New Moon

Old Dogs

Considering that the stars of this movie are John Travolta and Robin Williams, the title seems scarily apt. Not that we’re dissing the two stalwarts – they have their place in the annals of moviedom. But this? A movie about the resulting shenanigans that occur when Dan (Williams) must look after twins he never knew he had, with a little help from best friend Charlie (Travolta)?

I hate to use the words “bottom” and “barrel” in the same sentence but it seems that’s where the careers of these lauded stars have gone to die. Nevertheless, I suspect the movie will make it’s fair share of loot simply because people like to watch old people being made donkeys of by small brats. That’s just life. And Hollywood.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Twilight: New Moon

Chéri

At the age of 51, Michelle Pfeiffer is more than ready to play the role of a cougar… Well, so to speak. Although they had lovely euphemisms for such things in the early 1900s, the part of Lea de Lonval is essentially that – in modern-day speak.

A retired courtesan (again, what a lovely euphemism for prostitute), Lea (49) is left in charge of a strapping son of a fellow courtesan. Chéri, as he is known, is 25 and rather difficult to resist falling in love with – a cardinal no-no for any self-respecting lady of the night. What develops is a six-year affair fraught with constantly changing feelings and many pained expressions from Pfeiffer as she runs the gauntlet of emotions associated with being The Older Woman. The performances are beautifully nuanced and the classic story still very sexy, 100 years on.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Che: Part 1

If I ruled the world I would make the watching of this movie compulsory for one simple reason: ask anyone who’s wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt/cap/pair of undies and I will guarantee that 90% will not know who the hell the man in the beret is. That ranks high on my Pet Hates list.

Besides that, Che really was a fascinating dude. As you may have guessed, Part 1 is being released first and focuses on his part in the Cuban revolution with his mate Fidel Castro. Part 2 will be released within a month to complete the ill-fated tale. I love that Benicio Del Toro plays Guevara with so much conviction, but I do admit that if you’re not into expanding your historical knowledge (even if it is to know whose face you’re wearing), you could find yourself nodding off to sleep in your popcorn.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

De Dhana Dan

If you want insane antics and non-stop ridiculousness, it doesn’t get better than this Bollwood offering.

Starring Sameera Reddy, Sunil Shetty and a basketload of other fantastically colourful characters, the movie involves a few heiresses and possible suitors, a Chinese Don, an assassin, a drunk waiter and an overly pampered dog named Moolchandji – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s also a kidnapping, a wedding and general mishaps, set to some wicked tunes that you’ll be humming for days after. Pure entertainment.

Rating 4 outta 5.

Law Abiding Citizen

Since this movie hardly warrants writing about, I will summarise: Man goes on murderous rampage after his wife and daughter are killed and one of the killers is let off after turning state witness. Man also targets crooked lawyer who let killer off the hook to advance his career. Man creates big, bloody mess and a pile of bodies. Man is played by flavour of the week Gerard Butler, and Lawyer is played by Jamie Foxx.

Yup, that’s about all there is to say about this hateful little movie that is taking full advantage of the gratuitous gore trend that so many movie makers are relying on to put bums on seats at the cinema. Frankly, it’s lazy, uninspired and a load of bollocks – according to me, that is.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Kurbaan

Kareena Kapoor describes her role in this movie as one she could “sink her teeth into”. Whether it will earn her as much recognition as her other roles remains to be seen, however.

This time she plays a teacher who falls in love with a professor, played by a brooding Saif Ali Khan. However, all is not rainbows and joyful dancing… When the two relocate to New York they find themselves drawn into a series of horrific and terrifying events. More than this I will not tell you.

Due to the nature of the plot, the music is quite different and a refreshing change; reduced tempos and moody, haunting numbers act as an excellent complement without taking centre stage. Is the story unpredictable? Nah, but it’s still not a bad show from two of Bollywood’s finest.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Pandorum

Now here’s a surprise… Going into this film not expecting much, I kind of enjoyed it – even with Dennis Quaid as the lead. We’ve had our fair share of sci-fi/alien/zombie movies over the years, starting with the ultimate – Aliens - but not since then has one really swept us away, right?

Well, Pandorum comes pretty close. Set in outer space, two guys wake up from an induced sleep not knowing who or where they are and soon discover They Are Not Alone; screeching, scary mutants are flitting around the spacecraft too. Problem. Then, just to spice things up, there’s the danger of spaceman madness, where a human can suddenly freak out and start killing people.

It’s a perfect recipe for a good jump in your seat flick – darkness, claustrophobia, a touch of madness and, of course, stalker mutants.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Surrogates

Robots. Another movie about robots and how people think robots are so great and then discover that maybe they’re not. Anyone else yawning yet? What’s worse, it stars Bruce Willis, so the directors felt they needed to turn the movie into a robot-mystery-action film. Perhaps one too many genres, no?

The premise is that robots are used as “surrogates” for humans to live their lives through, which is pretty depressing if you ask me. I mean, how long can you spend on the couch before you become the couch? But it all goes sour when a human is murdered and it looks like the robots could be turning on humanity. Weak, lame, boring. Should I go on?

Rating: 1 outta 5.

A Christmas Carol

Not to gush, but this movie takes the cake for Christmas release of the decade, and trust me, I’m a big Grinch fan.

Brilliant doesn’t even begin to describe the level of intricate animation that has been so lovingly injected into this classic tale. The ghosts are macabre and grotesque, Scrooge is wrinkled and sunken, and old London is captured so wonderfully that you can almost feel the cobblestones under your patent, lace-up boots.

Plus, as a real treat, they’ve made the film in 3D, so hold onto your wine gums when those ghosts come at you. With Jim Carrey as the quirky voice and inspiration for Scrooge, there’s not much more we can say besides, “This is what we go to the movies for”.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Zombieland

How does one kill a zombie? Let me count the ways. Grand piano, banjo, car door, semi-automatic… that’s just a start.

Welcome to Zombieland, where everyday people are terrorised by overzealous zombies. Well, everyone but red-neck Tallahassee, played by Woody Harrelson. His sole purpose? To kill ’dem damn zombies!

What results is a zombiecom that is going to go down in history. Witty, tongue-in-cheek and downright hilarious, the film spins the current zombie craze on its rotting head, bringing us a much-needed breath of fresh air. Plus, what a treat to see Woody in such long-forgotten comedic form, and Abigail Breslin all grown up and not so cute. Wicked, wicked, wicked.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Julie and Julia

You’ll need some context here: Julia Child was an American who studied French haute cuisine and wrote a book of 524 French recipes you could learn in 365 days. Julie Powell is an ambitious if not slightly insane New Yorker who decided to cook every single one of the 524 recipes in one year, in her tiny Queens apartment and blog about it.

Julie subsequently wrote a book about her insanity and now the film has inevitably been made, paralleling the lives of both women. What elevates the movie from slightly drab to fab is Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Julia, which is flawless, obviously, but apart from that, it’s one I’d rather rent on DVD and doze off in front of on a Sunday afternoon.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Fireflies in the Garden

I do believe Ryan Reynolds is an underrated actor. Even in this underwhelming divided-family-coming-to-terms-with-a-tragedy film, his performance is what compelled me to keep my person in the cinema.

And, along with a stellar show from Emily Watson, the movie is watchable, if not a little contrived, predictable and overwrought. Oops, have I said too much? But watchable is never okay in my book, especially when you’re paying 50 bucks to see it. If you’re into pain and angst (and I most certainly am) wait for the DVD. If not, go do something with those 99 minutes of your life that you might have wasted.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Whatever Works

Let me preface this by saying it’s Woody Allen. So, at this point, half of you can move onto the next review, and the rest of you can rub your hands together with glee.

No, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m still not sure which side of hit and miss this movie falls on, but if you’re interested in his contorted view of the world, you’ll go watch anyway. The big draw card to Whatever Works is Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame. He’s brilliant, let’s face it, so playing Boris, a washed-up, almost Nobel-nominated Jewish physicist living in Chinatown is bound to be pretty entertaining.

Add to the mix a little minx played by who else but Evan Rachel Wood, and you’ve got the bones of the film. The flesh, however, is another story altogether…

Rating: 4 outta 5.

This Is It

If you’re expecting to see a polished Michael Jackson spectacular, forget it. When watching this hurriedly put-together film you must remember that it was never meant for release. Apparently MJ was simply recording the events around his final tour for posterity, so it’s rough and obviously takes on a doccie feel without ever really becoming a doccie.

It’s interesting, no doubt, to see the level of perfectionism the King of Pop demanded from everyone around him, but I guess that goes without saying as his shows were always flawless (except for the time his hair caught on fire, of course). It was also a bit strange and weirdly voyeuristic, however, to be watching footage so soon after MJ’s death, but I suppose that’s the point… you wouldn’t want to miss the boat and risk losing a whack of cash now would you?

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.