Green Zone

You’ve heard the stories about how the US government had to fabricate outrageous stories about Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction in order to justify their invasion. To this day no WMDs have ever been found, which just strengthens the theory that none ever existed in the first place.

Green Zone, although totally fictional, investigates this idea in the form of a thriller. With Matt Damon as the bloodhound, and the director of two of the Bourne films at the helm, you can’t go wrong. I love it when a conspiracy theory and a blockbuster come together. Expect to have your mind twisted into a few knots that will leave you thinking for days whether George Bush was in fact the most unscrupulous man ever to have lead the US. This one gets a high five from me.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Sex and the City 2

As usual, the filming and storyline of the second SATC film instalment has been guarded like a national secret. Not even the press was able to see the film early in case we spilt all those delicious details. As a loyal SATC watcher I wouldn’t think of doing such a thing.

If you’re a fan you won’t want to know whether Big and Carrie actually survive marriage, if Samantha finally finds love again and what Charlotte’s baby looks like. You’ll simply pre-book your tickets, take your girlfriends and go see for yourself, right? If it’s anything like the first film I’ll be seeing it multiple times, in my high heels and LBD, and will be making a stop for a couple of Cosmopolitains immediately afterwards. Oh how I’ve missed those gals…

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Schuks Tshabalala’s Survival Guide to South Africa 2010

Leon Schuster is back and set to rake in more millions from the South African public. Whether we like it or not, there’s a reason why he’s so successful: he makes the majority of the population laugh so hard that they cry, and he does this simply by making fun of us as a nation. This movie is no different.

In a return to his candid-camera style, Schuster manages to p-off everyone from Helen Zille to fishermen in the Cape. He gets klapped, gets into trouble and once again paints his face black, thus offending a number of other people. I guess I must accept that Schuster is in fact a part of our collective South African culture, and admit that sometimes he can be fairly amusing. More than this I cannot do – besides hope that one day we learn to appreciate movies of more substance with the same vigour.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Fauborg 36

The conflict in this French movie revolves around an old theatre that is shut down by a mean, lousy landlord, and the locals who rally to revive it.

It’s Paris, 1936 (not exactly the city’s finest era), and the locals are fairly likeable characters, as is the story. But this is the problem: The result is just fairly likeable. From the outside the music and run-down, dusty setting of the theatre seem to set the stage for something charming, but sadly this isn’t so. I won’t go so far as to say you won’t enjoy it, you might just not remember it in a week, which, in my mind, is never what a filmmaker should aspire to.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Gentlemen Broncos

If you were a fan of Jared Hess’ work in Napolean Dynamite and Nacho Libre, your interest might have been piqued with this, his third film. Perhaps Hess’ downfall is the fact that his first two films were such a runaway success, even gaining cult status in some circles. The problem with this is that he’s become famous for quirky oddity and therefore has to try really hard to maintain the momentum. Certainly this attempt seems forced and self-conscious, making it generally unfunny and way more weird than quirky.

The story revolves around a nerdy outcast who goes on a science-fiction writers’ course only to have his story stolen by the lecturer. Perhaps Hess believed that the inclusion of science fiction meant he could get away with more… Wrong. I won’t say I didn’t giggle, I just seemed to drift off and start thinking about exfoliating my feet more than I laughed.

Rating: 2 outta 5

Space Chimps 2

Zartog is back and has taken over mission control, forcing Comet the space chimp to take action and, together with a few mates, save the planet from the alien dictator’s wrath.

If this means nothing to you then you probably didn’t watch the first instalment from the makers of Shrek. And if you didn’t watch the first one, you’re unlikely to watch the second, right? Well then, for the rest of you, the journey continues with a host of pretty lovable chimps and aliens. Yup, that’s all there is to say about that.

Rating: 2 outta 5

Ghost Writer

I don’t know about you but I’ve been struggling to take Pierce Brosnan seriously since he croaked out those Abba songs and pranced around gaily in Mamma Mia! Here, perhaps, he regains some credibility as a British Prime Minister with a somewhat murderous background.

He hires a ghost writer (Ewan McGregor) to complete his memoirs, but before long realises that his “Ghost” is onto his shady past, and must take measures to shut him down. While the plot sounds pretty straightforward, the unfolding of it is not. This is a thriller to rival the best of the lot. Fast-paced and nail-bitingly tense, this is a film that is much better than it looks from the outside.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Before this overindulgent mess, Prince of Persia was a pretty average video game with a target audience of 10-year-old boys. Now they’ve made it into a film aimed at teenagers and fantasy loving adults… Already you can see where we might have a problem.

You can’t take a story about ancient Persia, modernise it with countless effects and expect us to appreciate it the same way a 10 year old would. The main characters are an unwitting Prince (a long-haired Jake Gyllenhaal) and Princess who must stop a vengeful ruler from unleashing a deadly sandstorm on the earth. As you might guess, a large dose of reality suspension is required, which leads me to this advice: If you’re over the age of 15, avoid at all costs.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Last year’s hit The Hangover was the ultimate return of the guy comedy. Possibly one of the funniest movies ever, it even went on to win a Golden Globe. As is to be expected, filmmakers will try to emulate their triumph, and few will succeed.

Hot Tub Time Machine falls somewhere in the middle. It doesn’t fail, but it’s not going to become a classic guy flick either. Four 40-something guys make a pilgrimage back to the seedy 70s-style resort they stayed at when they were in their prime (pre wives, kids, lawnmower, etc.). Somehow, while drinking in the hot tub, they are magically transported back to the 80s. They don’t get younger, though, even though everyone around them does. You can imagine then it’s rather awkward when one of the guys runs into his sexy, youthful mom.

You get the gist – it’s a silly, manly comedy full of hot chicks and beer. What else could a man ask for?

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Kites

J, a salsa instructor, falls in love with Natasha, a gorgeous Spanish woman. Communication on the spoken front is slightly stilted, but their love connection is crystal clear. So when it emerges that she’s actually married to a nasty piece of work, things get interesting fast.

Set in Las Vegas, this Bollywood action thriller has all the trimmings: sexy people, money, scandal, the desert (where J is left to die at one point), as well as car chases and scary, big guns. On top of this is a pretty decent soundtrack that enhances the film to no end. If you’re up for a bit of love and action, definitely go see this.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Robin Hood

Besides the mental image of a bow-and-arrow wielding guy in tights, do you really know who Robin Hood was? And no, not in that “He liked doing charity work and long walks in the forest” kind of way.

After years of watching cartoons and over-romanticised movies about this man, it’s not surprising that we know very little about his actual history and the battles he fought to become a hero. Well, trust Ridley Scott (Gladiator, American Gangster) to bring us the real story of Robin Hood – in full blockbuster glory. Prepare yourself for epic battles, gritty realism and a fresh love story that is brought to life by Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett. This is the version of Robin Hood you want to see. Talk about bringing sexy back…

Rating 4 outta 5.

A Serious Man

Burn After Reading, the last Coen brothers’ film, was massively disappointing given the bros brilliant history. This one, I believe, is a return to comic form.

Our main character, Larry, is indeed a serious man. He takes his middle-class roles as professor, husband and father extremely seriously, yet life seems to be giving him the proverbial finger. His students are trying to bribe him, his wife wants a divorce and his kids are stealing and smoking way too much dope, respectively. As his ship starts sinking, Larry searches for meaning but repeatedly finds himself face to face with a brick wall. And while all of this may sound way too serious for you, it’s actually not at all, thanks to the Coen brothers’ wicked sense of humour.

This is not an outright comedy, it’s what we would now call a black tramedy (tragic comedy), full of those “I’m so embarrassed for you” laughs. If you’ve more of an affinity for intelligent comedies, this is for you.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Last Song

Two words: Miley Cyrus. Let’s face it, I could just leave the review at that and millions of tweens will go screaming off to the cinema immediately. That is how much power this teenager holds. Sickening really, but then again I’m just bitter that I’m not rich nor famous.

Anyways, despite my scepticism I will concede that I have seen much worse displays of cinematography. I will also admit that Ms Cyrus, at the ripe old age of 17, ain’t half bad an actress – in that angsty, teeny-bopper kinda way, of course.

Here she plays an angry teen who is sent to her father’s beach house for the summer holiday. It may not surprise you that while there she manages to fall in love, forgive her parents and find her reason for living. So yes, totally predictable, but then if you’re one of the gazillions of teens who are smitten with Miley, you’re not going to care. For the parents: pre-book your kid the ticket and be a hero for at least one day.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

9

In theory, an animated post-apocalyptic film makes perfect sense. For one, you don’t have to spend millions recreating elaborate end-of-the-world sets; you can simply draw them and, because of this, go all out. This is probably the most striking feature of the movie – the animation is phenomenal: menacing, gloomy and rather tragic.

The characters – nine rag dolls given the spark of life by the last surviving human – hold the key to the earth’s survival but must traverse the devastated landscape to achieve this. Inconveniently, though, they are under attack from a red-eyed robot that is honestly the most frightening animated thing I’ve ever clapped eyes on.

While all of this is quite thrilling, the story is not. This was originally a short film that won an Oscar in 2004 and in an attempt to make it a full-length feature, overused apocalypse themes have crept into the script. That said, however, this creation is still a spectacle to behold, in no small part thanks to Tim Burton’s involvement. Hold onto your popcorn.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

I Now Pronounce You Black and White

The modus operandi of many SA filmmakers is to use our rather serious national and cultural issues as fodder for either drama or comedy. This one falls into the latter, and makes use of all the black and white clichés in the book.

The story is basic: White, Jewish guy falls in love with Xhosa girl and proposes. Their respective families are apoplectic and the insults start: “You can’t marry the help”, “You can take the maid out of Gugulethu…” you get the idea. Look, I’m all for finding the humour in a situation, but I’m not sure if racial stereotyping to such a degree is helping anyone.

There’s no doubt this film offends a large portion of the population: Xhosas, whites, blacks, Jews and coloureds all come under fire from broad generalisations. Then again, Leon Schuster’s movies offend absolutely everyone and they’re still the most successful films in SA. Call me sensitive and demanding but I know we can do better.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Red Cliff

This Chinese battle film was originally released in Asia as a two-part, five-hour epic. That’s how much director John Woo had to say about the 208 AD war that changed China’s history irrevocably.

This English-subtitled version of half that length is no less monumental. The actual battle was a war of over a million men with arrows and heavy armour, and impressive CGI and clever editing give you a good idea of the scale and intensity of the clash. However, as with movies like Braveheart, the battle scenes dominate the two and a half hours, which, for a peace lover like myself, is more than taxing.

If you love battle movies, there’s no doubt you’ll love this. More than that I really cannot say.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Mother and Child

I totally underestimated this film. A story about adoption and how it affects our three main characters just didn’t excite me. A few minutes in, however, and I was totally engrossed.

Our three women – Annette Bening, Naomi Watts and Kerry Washington – are all immutably changed by their respective liaisons with adoption. Their pain is tangible, but understood only by random acquaintances that serve as a fleeting reprieve to reality. The characters are totally believable and say more through nuance than words, making the performances of these actresses extremely intense and moving.

It’s heavy, I won’t lie, and will leave you feeling like you’ve had your heart scrubbed clean with a nailbrush, but it’s worth the trip.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

X Games 3D: The Movie

As the title suggests, this movie is about the X Games that are sponsored by ESPN every year, which kind of makes this more of a promo for the Extreme Sports Network and less of a documentary.

It follows that if you’re interested in extreme sports you’ll probably love the movie, especially because it’s in 3D. If not, you’ll probably still be entertained and somewhat horrified by the big jumps and near-death experiences. You might not, however enjoy the “deep” stoner-type statements about life, like, “If you don’t push yourself, your soul does.” Can I just say that cheating death does not qualify anyone to become a philosopher, no matter how many concussions you might have endured.

It’s a spectacle of tricks, not an award-winning screenplay. Prepare yourself only for this and you won’t be disappointed.

Rating: 3 outta 5

The Edge of Darkness

There is one plus to this film: Mel Gibson is finally acting his age, which, I must say, is impossible to hide under all those wrinkles. He plays the father of an activist daughter who is killed on a visit home. Conveniently he’s a homicide detective and in no time at all gets himself into the middle of a very complicated political conspiracy. Yeah, you know the kind.

It’s nothing we haven’t seen before and nor is the character With Nothing to Lose. I will concede, however, that there are worse ways to spend a Saturday afternoon. It will keep you guessing. It will keep you on the edge of your seat for most of the movie, and it will make you forget what a bigoted PR nightmare Mel Gibson has been in the past few years. I guess that’s worth the price of a ticket for most.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Séraphine

If you’re an art film fan, this is one you simply must see. Séraphine was a French fine artist of the purest kind. Untrained and painting purely out of a need to express an undeniable talent, she was discovered by a German art collector who was visiting the hotel she worked at as a cleaner.

After scrubbing floors all day, the poverty stricken Séraphine would gather clay from the fields and blood from the butcher and use them to create her masterpieces by night. After encouraging her and promising to return, the German was forced to flee France during the First World War. On his return 10 years later he spots the artist’s work at an exhibition, and it is better than ever. The artist herself, however, is not.

As with so many artists, Séraphine struggled to bridge the cavernous gap between the beauty and solace of her imaginary world and her reality, and ended up dying in a mental institution. Her story and the film are inspiring, touching and memorable.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Back-up Plan

I wish someone would just tell Jennifer Lopez, categorically, that she can’t act and should stick to making music. Seriously – why be great in one career and painfully dull in the other?

In this ridiculously far-fetched story she plays a woman who decides it’s time to get pregnant, so employs the services of her best friend and an insemination clinic to do the deed. And then she meets the man of her dreams, who just happens to be gorgeous and accepting of the fact that she’s knocked up. Are you serious?

This throwaway film is nothing more than a lazy excuse for a bad sitcom and is most definitely not worth your 50 bucks!

Rating: 2 outta 5

Badmaash Company

A gang of young things want to get rich quick (don’t we all?). The difference between them and us is that they actually go ahead and try, in a somewhat shady way, and so follows their escapades from Mumbai to New York and Las Vegas.

Of course, in addition to a good disguise, living the life of a hustler requires a massive dose of glamour, so expect sexy women, gambling, drinking and partying to form the basis of this rather pointless script.

The young things in question are Karan (Shahid Kapoor), Chandu (Vir Das), Tenzing aka Zing (Meiyang Chang) and Bulbul (Anushka Sharma), firm favourites on the movie circuit but none of whom show their best form here. This is an undemanding, mindless movie – the kind that you choose when you’re too hungover to focus on anything else.

Rating: 2 outta 5.