No Strings Attached

Old friends Emma (Natalie Portman) and Adam (Ashton Kutcher) decide to embark on an all-sex-no-love relationship. It’s really convenient after all and rules out all that complicated love stuff. Until someone falls in love, of course.

While the characters themselves are pretty one-dimensional and the script predictable, chances are you won’t absolutely hate sitting through this romcom. It’s kinda cute, kinda entertaining and at times kinda sexy. In other words it’s average. If you’re looking for a date movie that requires minimal attention, pick this. If not, hold off till the DVD release.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Rabbit Hole

If you’re feeling even slightly suicidal I urge you not to watch this film. It will most certainly push you over the edge. Giving us a glimpse into the lives of a couple who are struggling to get over the accidental death of their son, the film is tenderly executed but obviously delivers a hard blow.

Nicole Kidman plays the grieving mother and displays an incredible range of emotion especially when she befriends a young boy who’s about to leave school. Aaron Eckhart, playing her husband, is at his best too. It’s a difficult film to watch, but so worth it if you can endure the pain.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Hop

If the kids are beginning to drive you crazy over this Easter holiday period, this is the film that will grant you a couple hours’ peace.

A mash-up of live action and animation it follows E.B the Easter-Bunny-to-be as he escapes to Hollywood in an attempt to avoid his responsibilities and start his own band. And to make this all a little more realistic, the producers got Russell Brand to voice the wannabe rock bunny. Cute.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Game

A highly polished, fast-paced whodunnit that spans five international cities, Game ticks all the right Bollywood boxes. With gorgeous women (including a debut from ex-Miss India Sarah Jane Dias), mobster-style baddies, drugs, love and murder, this new release is bound to be a winner.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Mechanic

When I say Jason Statham what comes to mind? Action? Guns? Hit man? You don’t have to wonder what kind of movie this will be – you’re in for all of the above and more. There’s revenge, high-speed chases, gruff men shooting at each other, big explosions and the odd woman thrown in for aesthetics. Does the storyline really matter? I didn’t think so.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Paradise Stop

I’ve said before that it’s good to have a laugh at ourselves every now and then, and clearly many South Africans agree: Leon Schuster wouldn’t be a rich man if we didn’t. Which is precisely why many filmgoers will enjoy the latest film from Kenneth Nkosi and Rapulana Seiphemo, which creates humour out of our South Africanisms, like crime, bad guys vs good guys, bribery and corruption.

The press release describes it best saying, “The film is peopled with a cast of eccentric characters who find themselves washed up in this remote town – an arrogant mayor, a spirited small-time gangster’s lackey, an easily beguiled desk sergeant, a simple minded swimming pool maintenance man, and a feisty, sexy security investigator who all become embroiled in a madcap comedy-thriller of errors.”

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Gnomeo and Juliet

Aside from the fact that this animated feature involves a bunch of garden gnomes – one of whom wears a Borat-style mankini – and other ceramic statues like pink Latino flamingos and “shrooms”, it’s still a story about forbidden love.

This time however it’s Juliet from the red-hooded gnome tribe who falls in love with a much older looking Gnomeo from the blue hood. While it may not be of the same brilliant quality as Toy Story 3, it’s still a laugh a minute and boasts a seriously impressive voice cast.

Rating: 3 outta 5. 

Never Let Me Go

I really cannot decide whether I like this movie or not and that alone makes me feel annoyed. For one thing, it is based on a novel that has been described as the book of the decade, said book being ‘Never Let Me Go’ by Kazuo Ishiguro. But does the movie live up to that reputation?

It certainly has some of the biggest young stars of our time: Andrew Garfield, Carey Mulligan and Keira Knightley. The story is at the same time gritty but soft, cruel but kind, a love triangle but so much more. And such a mixture leaves me squirming in uneasiness. Perhaps Variety Mag have described it best as: “Though technically a science-fiction story, Never Let Me Go plays more like a polite Victorian romance, all repressed feelings and unrequited yearning.” See it for yourself to decide.

Rating: 2.5 outta 5.  

Hall Pass

You know exactly what you’re in for when you realise this movie comes from the same directors of Dumb and Dumber, so don’t say you have not been warned! It is set around the premise that two middle aged married men get a ‘hall passes’ from their wives off marriage for a week - anything goes!

Rick (Owen Wilson) has a good heart but is often strayed over to the ‘dark side’ by his best bud, Fred (Jason Sudeikis). Their newfound freedom leads to many predictable, some-may-find-funny situations and bad pick-up lines towards women who could be their daughters! Cringe worthy!

Rating:1 outta 5

I Am Number Four

Wow. This movie is so bad I’m struggling to find words to explain it. Drawing on the recently successful (yet now passé) teen genres – vampires and superheroes – this film tries to position itself somewhere in the middle and label it science-fiction. It is nothing of the sort, aside from the fact that the main character is, presumably, from another planet. He’s trying to escape some dark force and can shoot light out of his palms. He also falls in love with a human. Is any of this sounding familiar? Talk about trying to make a meal out of scraps. Lazy, lazy filmmaking.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Red Riding Hood

Yes, ladies and gents, fairytales are the new black. First on the bandwagon is this very adult version of the classic tale. Complete with werewolves, human sacrifices and a passionate love triangle, the film will single-handedly put fairytales back on the cool list. It’s moody, sexy and slick and stars a pouty Amanda Seyfried as the hooded beauty, and Gary Oldman as the wolf-hunting beast. We like.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Rango

Let me just state that I don’t love this movie simply because Johnny Depp voices the main character, Rango, a blue lizard who wears Hawaiian-print shirts. No, I love this animated movie also for its wittiness, clever allusions and fabulously named characters. Who could possibly resist a film with characters called Beans, Balthazar and Rattlesnake Jake?

Essentially a Western, Rango finds himself being crowned Sheriff of a nowhere town called Dirt. And as in all Westerns, he must defeat the resident villain, preferably with pistols at high noon. A thoroughly enjoyable film for both kids and grown-ups.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Blue Valentine

No one wants to take a good, hard look at the ugly parts of a romantic relationship. No one really wants to examine why a marriage ends, especially when you can’t put it into words. The blooming of a new union, however, is usually so full of colour, life and vividness, which makes “reality” often seem so dull in comparison.

Documenting this process from start to finish is this brilliant film starring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling. Juxtaposing the vivid with the grey, the story is really about the emotional and physical transformation that occurs when a relationship becomes more of a burden than a blessing. The two actors are phenomenal in their roles and will leave you feeling absolutely shredded with their honesty.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Just Go With It

Jennifer Aniston in a romcom? Never! Yes, the most typecast actress in Tinseltown is back for her 85th attempt at a romantic comedy. Okay, so that might be an exaggeration but you get my point. Alongside her is Adam Sandler, playing a plastic surgeon. Can anybody say preposterous?

Because Adam pretends he’s married to get chicks (don’t ask), Aniston must pretend to be his ex in order for his new girlfriend to feel comfortable. But, of course, when Aniston gets her sexy-ex groove on, Adam does a double take. Not only preposterous but predictable too? Sjoe, this one’s a winner…

Rating: 2 outta 5

Freakonomics

For those of you who are too lazy to read this fascinating book, here’s the movie. Offering incredible insights into things like cheating, bribery and even the naming of children, this doccie might even inspire you to go out and buy the book, because you will want more.

Even if you have absorbed the literature, it’s cool to see the pages brought to life with illustration and interviews with the economist and journalist who actually researched all the info and made the book happen. Entertaining, absorbing and totally far out, this is a must-see for any thinking human being.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Before you move on to the next review in disgust, let me just say a few things about this doccie feature.

1. If you’re mildly tolerant of or have some kind of respect for this teen phenomenon/ messiah, you’ll find the film less excruciating than you would have expected. Interspersed with clips of a baby Bieber and interviews with fellow musos, uber-fans and producers, the content is pretty entertaining.

2. It goes without saying that fans of the slick 17-year-old will savour every moment of footage as if it were their last meal on death row. This of course means that if you’re looking to get into the good books with your sister/ daughter/ cousin/ niece, do the right thing and take them to see this.

3. If you do decide to go, be prepared for squeals, tears and even the odd bit of drooling – Bieber Fever is as potent as contagious as ever.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Battle: Los Angeles

The worldwide release of this movie is the 11^th of March, so this review is based purely on speculation and a kick-ass trailer. A cross between a disaster movie and District 9, this film appears to have it all: meteors crashing into earth, aliens in the form of menacing smoke clouds, and spacecraft that will rival Neill Blomkamp’s wildest creations.

This is the special effects blockbuster of the year, so prepare for an AK-47-like assault on all your senses. Whether or not it’s good remains to be seen, but I’m super-keen to give it a bash.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Rite

To quote the respected Peter Travers of Rolling Stone magazine: “The Rite goes wrong in every way”. Sorry to disappoint you, but this pretty much sums it up.

As a horror lover myself I was hoping for the best and received the very worst. This is simply a regurgitation of every exorcism movie you’ve ever seen, which means that weird gurgling noises and hollowed out eyes don’t scare you anymore. Sadly this new flick is as stale as Steve Hofmeyer’s publicity stunts.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Getroud Met Rugby

There is just one question you need to ask yourself when deciding whether to watch this movie: Do I like rugby? Okay, so you might also want to ask whether you can tolerate yet another a zero-to-hero sport drama, but if you answered no to the first question this won’t matter.

Once you’re past this, though, you might be impressed by the local acting talent and cinematography that keeps getting better with every release. The story, although predictable, is one that rugby fans across SA will lap up. Oh and for the Engelse mense, don’t worry – the film is subtitled for your enjoyment too.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

Fresh off of her Best Actress win, Natalie Portman will draw audiences to this film, but most will probably feel slightly disappointed after watching it. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just not that accessible to a general audience.

The story is a sad one: Natalie falls in love with a married man; he gets divorced and the two marry. He has a son, and the couple produce a daughter. Sadly the daughter dies, leaving the couple devastated, but slowly she begins to find peace in building a relationship with her stepson. Yup, it’s heavy and quite obviously wrought with sentimentality and emotion, which is too much to handle at times. If you’re keen, prepare yourself.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Conviction

This is the true story of a single mom who put herself through law school to represent her brother who was sentenced to life in prison for murder. And while you can draw similarities to Erin Brokovich here, this particular mom spent 18 years doing it. Respect.

Hilary Swank plays the long-suffering sis to a brilliant-as-always Sam Rockwell, and we’re also treated to cameos from Juliette Lewis and Melissa Leo, who just won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. It’s a story that is too painfully dramatic not to be true, which makes for compelling viewing.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Night Drive

Okay, so you can imagine that a game farm would be a good place to shoot a slasher flick, right? And you can imagine that being hunted by machete-wielding muti-men out to steal your internal organs could be pretty damn frightening… Which is why this new South African horror film is, well, pretty damn frightening.

Together with a handful of well-known local actors, the film is yet another indication that we are moving on from producing strictly political films to pure entertainment. A win in my book.

Rating 3 outta 5.

The Tempest

Hark, is this the same Tempest that was written by Shakespeare? Indeed. But fear not, for it’s not all agonising soliloquies and strange outfits.

Like other Shakespeare films before this, the producers have employed the expertise of some fab actors (Helen Mirren, Russell Brand and Djimon Hounsou) to spice things up and, in this case, have gone big with the special effects that result from all kinds of sorcery and magic. The Tempest is an intriguing story, so don’t be put off by the fact that it’s really old school.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Dilemma

There is nothing worse than a bad comedy that relies on recycled jokes and clichés. The Dilemma is a case in point. Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are best mates and business partners with gorgeous wives and perfect lives. So when Vince sees Kev’s wife, played by Winona Ryder, kissing a younger hottie he’s faced with a dilemma. What follows is a series of threats and unfunny interactions with the two couples. Yawn.

Rating: 2 outta 5.