The Hangover Part II

Oh boy, here we go again. Hang onto your seats, people, because those crazy-ass guys are back – this time in Thailand – to cause chaos the night before Stu’s wedding.

Waking up horrifically hungover in Bangkok, Stu finds a new tattoo (on his face) and discovers that his fiance’s little brother (who they took along for “one drink”) is missing. You know what follows: sheer ridiculousness and mayhem as they try to recover the kid. It remains to be seen if this will be as good as the first movie, but really, who cares? If it’s a laugh you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Hanna

With all the horrendous action-fantasy movies that have been released of late (Sucker Punch springs to mind), you’d be forgiven for being sceptical when I say this one is different. Why? Well, although it has a sense of fantasy about it, it seems more real and subsequently gets you all emotionally involved – in a good way.

Hanna is a 16-year-old girl who’s been turned into a killing machine by her ex-CIA father. This is simply to protect her from the other CIA agents who are after her father and want him dead. When Hanna and her pops decide to brave the real world after years in the middle of nowhere, the action begins, but instead of railroading you with OTT CGI and super FX, the sequences play out almost beautifully, thanks to some awesome direction. This is a wicked thriller that kicks the butts of many that have come before it.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Like Dandelion Dust

Imagine giving your child up for adoption and then having to fight desperately to get him back only a few years later. How do you cope with the guilt of pulling him out of the only family he’s ever known and into one that’s not so perfect? These are just some of the issues this hard-hitting and extremely emotional movie deals with.

Based on the novel, the film focuses on the four parents involved in the battle over the little boy, exploring the heartbreak, anger and pain that all four experience. It’s not a walk in the park, but worth the watch if you’ve got the stamina.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Animals United

Since when do the Brits make animated movies? Exactly. Which is why this kiddies film about animals in the African “Savanna” will fail dismally. It’s cute enough, but lacks the oomph of the big American releases.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Mad Cow

This is one movie that can be filed under “When South African Movies Go Horribly Wrong.” While the filmmakers might have tried to be satirical, witty and offbeat, the result is a complete mess of amateur and, frankly, embarrassing footage. I’m even finding it hard to explain the storyline, which involves a murderous psycho who dresses up in a cow costume when he slashes his victims. Seriously. This abomination takes SA film back by about 10 years. Shame on you!

Rating: 0 outta 5.

Pirates of the Caribbean 4

By now you know what to expect from this franchise, originally based on a theme-park ride: sword fights, bearded pirates with dodgy teeth, freaky pirate ships, sword fights, special effects galore and more sword fights. And that’s exactly what you’ll get from this 4^th instalment, which, according to me, is three movies past its sell-by date.

Of course there’s a good few laughs that come out of the ridiculous search for the Fountain of Youth, as well as some hilarious one-liners from Johnny Depp, but all in all the movie feels rehashed and unoriginal. I guess when you’re making nearly a $1billion per film, this doesn’t really matter and nor, it would seem, does my opinion!

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Roepman

This Afrikaans film is based on a Jan van Tonder novel with the same title. Set in the turbulent South African 60s it tells the story of an awkward young boy, Timus, and his coming of age. Added to the mix is an unlikely friend, Joon, who ends up becoming a hero to the whole community. A well-filmed and touching local production that will appeal to the whole family.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Season of the Witch

To quote one of my favourite movie critics, Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers: “Instead of a review, this movie deserves a stake in the heart.” Well, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

As dull as the winter’s latest shade of grey, this film, about a 16^th Century witch and the crusaders out to get her, is the snoozefest of the week, as well as the final nail in the coffin that was Nicolas Cage’s career. Watch at your own peril.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Beastly

I must warn you that this is a real teeny bopper movie, but it probably has the most appeal of all the releases this week. Think of it as the teen-movie version of Beauty and the Beast.

Hot jock gets turned into an ugly so-and-so by a teen witch and is placed under virtual house arrest by his father. Could anyone love such an ugly beast? No-one but a kind-hearted lass who sees beauty as something that is more than skin-deep. Everybody say, “Aaaah”. Okay, so it’s corny, but the young ones will enjoy it.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Way Back

Based on a true account, this harrowing film tells the harrowing story of three prisoners of war who manage to escape a labour camp, called a gulag, in Siberia. And you know what Siberia means, right? Blizzards so hard you’re literally blinded, and weather so cold that you can snap off hairs on your beard like they were icicles...

These guys managed to walk 4000 miles through Tibet and the Himalayas and finally ended up in India. Brilliantly acted, filmed, written and produced, this movie will leave you gasping.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Priest

Based on the stunning graphic novels of the same name, this film attempts to bring the gritty, vampire slaying man of God to life. While I believe it’s more of a hit than a miss, sci-fi film fans will enjoy the dark, post-apocalyptic landscape and blood-spattering action.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

For Colored Girls

It’s hard to adapt stage plays to the big screen, especially when emotional monologues are involved. Being in the presence of a real person is far more stirring than seeing them larger than life on a big screen. Which is precisely why Tyler Perry’s adaptation of the play “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf” seems a bit odd.

Following the life stories of nine African American women, the film is also interspersed with poems related to their struggles. It’s definitely arty and aimed at a niche market, but the cast makes it worth watching. Janet Jackson, Whoopi Goldberg, Thandie Newton, Kerry Washington, Phlycia Rashad and Loretta Devine are just some of the famous faces you’ll see.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Your Highness

Clearly Natalie Portman and James Franco needed a break from their strenuous Oscar movies and decided to take this ridiculous project on. Told like an olden day tale, it involves Prince Fabious’ bride, who is kidnapped, and his team of “soldiers” who set out to get her back. It’s over-the-top, frivolous and really not that funny at all.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Master Harold and The Boys

This famous Athol Fugard play hits the big screens this week, but I’m not sure it’s going to be a bit hit. A story about a white South African kid and his relationship with the black waiters who work at his father’s restaurant, it seems odd to be releasing it now. Perhaps many filmmakers still feel the apartheid stories must be told. It’s not a bad interpretation, but it’s better on stage, with real South African actors.

Rating: 2/5

Let Me In

Finally! A vampire movie for discerning adults! While the blood-sucking trend has taken the teen market by the jugular, it’s failed to really excite the rest of the warm-blooded population. This film, adapted from the original 2008 Swedish version, is proof that vampires can make for more than frivolous viewing.

Focusing on the life-giving blood addiction of a young girl, played brilliantly by Chloe Moretz, and the sheer battle this presents as she tries to make her way through school and the semblance of a normal life, we get to experience the dark, unglamorous side of the vampire condition. More real than you can imagine, this movie will blow you away with its tender treatment of a fabled story.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Jane Eyre

If a Gothic-style drama about repressed sexual feelings, dark secrets and the end of innocence sound intriguing, why haven’t you read this classic before?

Okay, so many people know the Charlotte Bronte novel or one of the many feature films about Plain Jane and her dance with the (good-looking) devil, Rochester, so why another remake? Well, to put it simply, director Cary Joji Fukunaga thought he could give the old story an injection of new life. And boy does he… The film sizzles with eeriness and sexual tension without taking away from the period of morality and restraint. You’ll forget that the story you’re immersed in is over 150 years old. A brilliant recreation.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Fast and the Furious Five

I’m going to be honest… I haven’t followed this franchise – ever. But I realise there are special people out there who have, and they will be glad that yet another instalment is being released. All I know is that the crew (Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Ludacris, Dwayne Johnson et al.) are back together and on the run from The Law. And by on the run I mean in those fast, furious cars that they drive. There’s bucket-loads of testosterone, special effects and scantily clad girls… what more could a guy ask for, right?

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Luv Ka the End

Rhea is the perfect girl with the perfect boyfriend and is planning the perfect 18^th birthday. A big party and finally doing the deed with her long-term love, named Luv Nanda, are on the list. So, of course, when her perfect Luv turns out to be cheating on her, she’s devastated. Then mad. Then ready for revenge. Yes, this is exactly like many teen movies before it, only it’s the Bollywood version. The girls will love it.

Rating: 3 outta 5.