District 13: Ultimatum

What would make action-movie junkies endure a French-subtitled feature film? A few reasons. One: it’s written by action-movie stalwart Luc Besson. Two: there’s minimal dialogue in the 100 minutes of the film, and three: all the action revolves around that cool, death-defying sport called parkour.

Parkour literally means “the art of flight” and entails some rather super-human jumps between buildings and balconies and off heights that really should kill a person. What’s even cooler about the relentless parkour action in this film is that it’s all real. Between the actors (who actually performed a lot of their own stunts) and the stuntmen, the action is unmistakably genuine, which is becoming more rare in these CGI-happy days.

So, for the average thrillseeker, this movie checks all the right boxes. If you’re one of those people who likes their action as a side order to the storyline, however, then you’ll be seriously bummed. A storyline in a movie like this is extraneous, frivolous, a joke, in fact. Yeah, you get the idea.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Marmaduke

Warning: This movie contains talking animals. Warning: This movie contains a cat voiced by George Lopez. Still there? If you weren’t put off by those two important pieces of information then perhaps you’re the target market for this family film, which is parents across South Africa who are desperately trying to fill their kids’ 5-week SWC-enforced holiday.

Luckily George Lopez as Carlos the cat is not the main star of the show; Luke Wilson as an oversized Great Dane is. Let’s be honest: Wilson can get away with pretty much anything – exactly like a lovable dog, really – and he’s mildly charming as Marmaduke. But that’s where the charm ends.

It’s always a gamble making an animal comedy simply because you have to rely on all the old gags: dog drool, dog over zealousness, dog poo - it’s bound to be unoriginal and totally forgettable, which Marmaduke is. Send the kids and save your cash for something less mind numbing.

Rating: 1 outta 5

Killers

When you put Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher together in a movie you can’t really go wrong, even when the script dictates that Ashton’s character, Spencer Aimes, is in fact a government agent/assassin/spy. I guess for many moviegoers this isn’t such a train smash – I guess I just like my romcoms straight up, not stirred or shaken up by a silly plot device.

It all starts out pretty normally: Jen (Heigl) is recently single and on holiday with her folks (horror!) when she meets Spencer and falls in love. Three years later and happily married, Jen gets the shock of her life when she finds out that “people” are trying to kill her and Spencer and discovers that he’s got a secret life. Mayhem and dodging of bullets ensues.

Yes, this is yet another example of a tired and predictable script being rescued by two attractive and hopelessly irresistible actors. Lucky save.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Kisses

This arthouse offering is a glimpse into one horrifying and magical day that two abused, working-class kids decide to run away to the big city streets of Dublin.

Buoyed by their love and friendship, neighbours Dylan (13) and Kylie (11) steal some money and set off for what they believe will be a life of freedom. What they find of course are the mean streets, filled with Bob Dylan impersonators, security guards and the occasional dead body. Suffice to say it’s not all that easy.

What’s intriguing about this movie is not so much the adventure as it is the performances of the two young actors. If you rate believability as the ultimate benchmark for an actor, these two have peaked at a very early age. If you’re a fan of slice-of-life films, this one will leave you feeling fulfilled.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Limits of Control

Let me just say this up front: for most or perhaps all of this movie you will not know what is going on. Between exchanges of matchboxes, achingly long silences, arb naked people and “Two espressos, in two separate cups,” you’ll soon adopt that look on your face that says “Huh?”

This is supposed to be an unconventional crime caper, but instead comes across as an irritating and garbled mess. Just what exactly is Jim Jarmusch, the filmmaker, trying to achieve here? You get the feeling that Jarmusch is making a conscious effort to rebel against conventional storytelling, which is ok. What is not ok is leaving the viewer feeling like they’ve been toyed with, like a cat batting a dead mouse.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Legion

It’s a rare occasion that I feel lost for words. Especially when it comes to bad movies. Perhaps it’s because this one is so particularly bad that I find myself mute. Let me simply relate one of the scenes to give you a feel for the absurdity…

The scene: a dusty diner in the Mojave Desert. The players: a pregnant waitress, the tired owner, a white-haired granny, some dispensable extras. The action: innocent little gran in the corner morphs into a blood-sucking zombie, climbing the walls like a Parktown Prawn, killing the extras and unleashing God’s wrath on planet Earth. Oh, but wait, there is hope: The pregnant waitress carries in her womb the saviour of the human race and, luckily, a fallen angel arrives to help keep the unborn child alive.

Pure, unadulterated garbage. See this at your own peril.

Rating: 0 outta 5.

To Save a Life

I don’t want to be rude here, but this is how fanaticism and mind control start. It’s everything that movies should not be, and, yes, I accept that pastors and youth leaders across the world might damn me to hell for saying it.

The intention of this teen film is noble: The two (first-time) filmmakers wanted to address the very serious issues facing the youth today. Suicide, Columbine-style murder, teen pregnancy, bullying, drinking and the absence of religion all feature (yup, it’s jam-packed up in here). The problem is their suggested solution to all of the above: Turn to Jesus. Although debatable, no-one can pass judgement on this and nor will I. What I will offer is my totally subjective opinion, which is this: In a world with challenges so daunting and options so diverse, the last thing the youth are going to respond to is a sermon delivered by disingenuous actors from California who know nothing about struggle. But hey, that’s just me.

Rating: 1 outta 5