Sherlock Holmes

Talk about taking a dusty old tale and making it all sparkly and new again. When one thinks of Sherlock Holmes, one thinks pipe, fuddy-duddy hat and smelly old coat, right? Not anymore. Enter the oh-so-suave Robert Downey Jr and throw in Jude Law as his sidekick Watson and you’ve got the sexiest revival of the decade.

But what this movie really has going for it is the testosterone injection courtesy of Guy Ritchie, probably one of the best directors to come out of the UK ever. His signature grittiness comes through like a ream of sandpaper and turns Conan Doyle’s figment into a badass. Great casting and a fresh script make this a perfect holiday flick. Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Stepfather

Remakes, in this time of seemingly limited creativity, are a dime a dozen. Everybody’s doing them. The Stepfather, however, is one of the better ones to emerge.

The original, with Lost’s Terry O’Quinn, was pretty damn freaky. Basically he’s a loopy “dad” on a quest to find the perfect family, and when they fail horribly (as all families do), he goes all axe murderer on them. This time it’s Nip/Tuck’s Dylan Walsh who plays the dad, and if you’re a Nip/Tuck fan you’ll know the dude can pull scary out of the bag when he needs to. It’s full of those great “He’s behind you!” moments, which is always good for a night out at the movies. Not bad, I say. Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Rebound

I’ll give you three guesses as to what this movie is about. Uh… Yes, jilted, older woman (Catherine Zeta-Jones) complete with two kids splits from husband and moves to New York where she meets A Younger Man (the hunky Justin Bartha) and bam, hello, rebound. To make matters worse, she hires him as her nanny and ends up, well, you know…

But as with all great love stories there comes the moment of doubt. Should she really be in love with a man so much younger than herself? Is she just lusting after the attention? Ugh. I don’t know if you could get much more predictable. Perhaps this movie is only meant for divorced women with toy-boy fantasies. All I know is that it isn’t going to appeal to the rest of the population. Rating: 2 outta 5.

Waltz With Bashir

I would never have put “animated documentary” in the same sentence, let alone together to create a new genre, but here we go.

In a stunning directorial show, Ari Folman has produced an animated film that documents the massacre of thousands of Palestinians during the Israeli-Lebanese war of 1982. His characters are real war veterans but depicted through animation and slowly recall the horrors of war that escalated after the assassination of Lebanese president Bashir Gemayel.

The film was nominated for Best Foreign Film at the Oscars this year and won the Golden Globe in the same category. It’s an unnerving, unique and emotionally draining piece of work, but not for the faint hearted or easily bored. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Motherhood

I don’t know about you, but when I think of Uma Thurman it’s either in her yellow Kill Bill tracksuit or as a Cleopatra lookalike doing too many drugs in Pulp Fiction. I do not see Uma as a dowdy mother struggling to regain her life and purpose.

Perhaps that’s why this movie fails so miserably. It just isn’t believable. That, and it’s so boring that I could’ve had better fun at the dentist. “But you don’t have kids; you don’t understand the humour,” people will scream. Honestly, I can’t imagine what parent would. Aren’t your own kids’ shenanigans enough to satisfy your strange sense of amusement? Hugely disappointing for such a talented actress. Rating: 1 outta 5.

Rainbow Skellums

You might recall, in the dark recesses of your mind, the antics of Andre Scholtz in ‘You Must be Joking’. It was early Schuster – the funny Schuster – and he went around playing pranks, candid-camera style, on unsuspecting victims. It was a good laugh, and still is if you check out the clips on You Tube.

Anyway, in an attempt to revive that era, Scholtz has created Rainbow Skellums, and the victims are modern-day South Africans. Let’s face it, it’s always fun to see how people react to bizarre situations, especially in our country where everyone is just slightly on edge ALL the time. Hey, Mr Bones is still the biggest selling movie in SA, so this romp is bound to blow the top off the box office. Rating: 3 outta 5.

Every Little Step

If you’re a theatre fan you would have heard of or seen a live performance of ‘A Chorus Line’, one of Broadway’s most famous shows which ran for 15 years. It’s all about struggling performers trying to make it on Broadway and features some of the most memorable songs you’ll ever hear.

Put simply, it’s a classic. In 2006, the show was revived and put back on Broadway. This movie is about those select few dancers and performers that were supremely talented enough to make it to the stage. It follows the gruelling audition process and details the emotion, exhaustion and pain the wannabes endured.

It’s fascinating, heartbreaking and wonderfully real. Definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, but a fab night out for those who love showbiz. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Alvin & the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel

Look, chances are you’re not going to watch this. Why? Well, firstly, it’s aimed at 8 year-olds and, secondly, it’s a sequel, or, er, squeakquel.

I guess I have a thing about sequels, namely that they always seem to disappoint, which I’m sure this one would if you were a fan. And if you were a fan that means you’re probably around 8 years old, right? If not, I’m hoping you were tied down and forced to watch the movie and for some reason found those squeaky little rodents mildly entertaining.

Seriously, there are much better things to do with your time, like counting the hairs on your head. Rating: 1 outta 5.

Whip It!

Aaah. This quirky little movie, which just happens to be the directorial debut of Drew Barrymore, is like waking up early to the smell of fresh coffee. It’s all I could ask for – a great script, Ellen Page as the awkward trying-to-find-her-niche lead, and fabulous supporting performances from Barrymore, rapper Eve and Juliette Lewis.

So what is Bliss Cavendar’s niche? Well, she finds peace at the competitive roller-skating rink with a bunch of girls-gone-wild in helmets. You can guess the rest – she’s terrible initially, but works at it and in the process finds real friends and acceptance. Sure it sounds cheesy, but it’s done with so much fun and humour that it won’t bother you. Never mind Page’s Bliss finding her niche, I think Barrymore has found hers in directing. Love it! Rating: 5 outta 5.

Avatar

Warning: Epic ahead! Yes, James Cameron, the dude responsible for films like Terminator and Titanic, is back with what he hopes will be the epic of the year.

The story pits humans against the indigenous population of a faraway planet. The humans create an avatar to look like these strange blue creatures and infiltrate their tribe so that they can plan their attack. All seems to be going well until one of the avatars starts sympathising with the enemy.

Okay, so the story might be predictable but one must respect the incredible 15 years of work that has gone into the effects and production of the film. Whether it will be remembered in the same way as Titanic or Aliens remains to be seen. Either way, it’s bound to wow you. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Che: Part 2

One of the reasons why this movie has been broken into two parts is that Che Guevara literally disappeared after the Cuban revolution. Why? Well, after inciting a communist coup he quickly became the world’s most wanted man.

When he resurfaced he was back on the warpath, this time in Bolivia. Feeling boosted by his success in Cuba, Che was pretty confident he could repeat his performance. Sadly for him, things spiralled way out of control and ended in death. The fascinating story continues, with another brilliant performance from Benicio Del Toro. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Open Road

Don’t get me wrong: I’m a Justin Timberlake fan. I also don’t think he’s that bad an actor. But pair an average actor with a heavyweight like Jeff Bridges, who plays JT’s dad in this film, and you’re bound to look worse than you really are.

The problem is that estranged father and son go on a torturous roadtrip – that’s the gist of the story – so almost 90% of the scenes involve JT and Jeff, which just makes the popstar look amateurish. Apart from that, the pace is slow, so you might find yourself struggling to stay interested. But then again, I might have nodded off and missed the good parts… Rating: 2 outta 5.

Invictus

I won’t lie. I’m not a rugby person. Sure, SA’s 95 World Cup win was a magical moment, but I really wasn’t sure about making an entire movie about it. Or, rather, Clint Eastwood directing the movie with Morgan Freeman as Madiba and Matt Damon as Francois Pienaar! Really? Well, I’m thrilled to say that my doubts were unfounded.

With any foreign take on South Africa’s history you’re bound to get a fair amount of clichés and cheesy moments, but somehow the feel of the movie allowed me to look past that and simply be swept up in the patriotism that we so often need. Only the coldest of SA hearts wouldn’t be moved by Madiba’s wise words and the reconciliation he created through an ‘apartheid’ sport.

This holiday allow yourself to let go of the cynicism and enjoy a uniquely SA story. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Paranormal Activity

Holy Polony. Believe it when they say this is one of the scariest movies ever made. Put together with a measly $15000, this creepfest relies on very little but good old-fashioned fright tricks. And damn is it effective.

Here’s the low-down: Katie and Micah move into a house that Katie is convinced is haunted. So, they do what anyone would do (NOT!) and set up a camera to film their bedroom at night. What we see is the found footage. Yes, it’s definitely an ode to Blair Witch but less nauseating, thanks to a steadier hand. Although, at one point I thought I might just regurgitate my intestines – that’s how freaked out you will be. Don’t wear white when you go see the film – you’re bound to spill. Rating: 5 outta 5.

Couple's Retreat

What a big, fat disappointment. Written by Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, two of comedy’s best, Couple’s Retreat falls flat on it’s blemished face. Not only is it pretty unfunny, the storyline is weak and predictable and peppered with some horribly bad toilet jokes. I expect a lot better from the writers as well as the cast that includes Jason Bateman, Vince and Jon and Kristen Bell.

The story? Four couples fly off to gorgeous Bora Bora to endure couple’s therapy. The various exercises they go through are embarrassing and painful, and all this is meant to be absolutely hilarious. Ha! Don’t expect the laughs of Old School or Dodgeball, or the wit of Arrested Development. This scrapes the bottom of the barrel. Rating: 2 outta 5.

50 Dead Men Walking

Martin McGartland was an informer for the British police during the height of the IRA struggle in Ireland in the late 80s. Seen as possibly one of the worst crimes against humanity – in the eyes of the IRA, that is – Martin is still in hiding to this day, and the IRA are still out for his blood.

The film is loosely based on his life and has, of course, been injected with its fair share of Hollywood glitter to make it more globally appealing. It’s not quite In the Name of the Father, but it packs a good action punch and keeps you pretty much glued. Rating: 4 outta 5.

Rocket Singh

Rocket is so-called because he’s a beast in the sales office. He’s a slick Sikh who’s got the gift of the gab, and everybody loves him. However, when Rocket’s big success and big lovin’ starts going to his head, he starts to think he can do it all – which includes starting his own business on the side.

His juggling act is pretty darn amusing but eventually comes crumbling down around him. This probably won’t win any awards, but it’s definitely a Bollywood comedy worth watching. Rating: 3 outta 5.

500 Days of Summer

Now here’s the perfect summer holiday movie. A love story, but one that’s full of skipping, whistling, overwhelming joy and gut-wrenching heartache.

Tom, played by the irresistible Joseph Gordon-Levitt, falls instantly in love with his boss’s new assistant, Summer, played by an even more irresistible Zooey Deschanel, in the elevator. What follows is 500 days of sheer bliss and unbearable pain after she decides to walk away, shown in various flashbacks that we piece together. The story is simple and the take fresh and offbeat, which is all it really takes to satisfy this tainted movie lover.

I’m in love. Rating: 5 outta 5.

2012

Until the world actually comes to an end, there will be end-of-the-world movies. We’re just morbid like that. Remember Y2K? Well, now it’s 21 December 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar and civilisation, according to “experts”, and this film takes a ride on the relatively low-key fear that’s been created by this forthcoming catastrophe.

An obscene $250 million was spent, and it shows in all 158 minutes. There are enough fantastical FX in here to make Spielberg weep, and enough to make me want to never see another one ever again. Expect to see remnants of every disaster movie that’s ever been made, but with the heat turned up by about 500 degrees. An absolute spectacle.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Bandslam

The do-it-all darling of Disney, Vanessa Hudgens, throws together a group of misfits and starts a band with the intention of winning the mother of all band battles. As you can surmise, originality means nothing when you’ve got the High School Musical franchise to spin off of.

The movie is bound to make its billions with teens the world over clamouring to see their doe-eyed idol, and no doubt the soundtrack will become the Christmas CD of choice. For the rest of us it’s a great movie to send the kids/little cousins/brothers/sisters off to for a nice break.

Rating: 2 outta 5

Astro Boy

Astro Boy is not new to the big or small screen. In fact, he’s about 50 years old, introduced first as a Japanese manga character. Luckily the boy ages well as he’s been given yet another shot at life, this time courtesy of Hollywood animation.

The animated robot is created by Dr Tenma after his son dies, and turns out to be his greatest stroke of genius, as the boy ends up being a hero and saving the earth from destruction. Yup, that’s pretty much it. This is another one to keep the kids occupied for a few hours, and not a film that will go down as an animation classic.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

New Moon

Old Dogs

Considering that the stars of this movie are John Travolta and Robin Williams, the title seems scarily apt. Not that we’re dissing the two stalwarts – they have their place in the annals of moviedom. But this? A movie about the resulting shenanigans that occur when Dan (Williams) must look after twins he never knew he had, with a little help from best friend Charlie (Travolta)?

I hate to use the words “bottom” and “barrel” in the same sentence but it seems that’s where the careers of these lauded stars have gone to die. Nevertheless, I suspect the movie will make it’s fair share of loot simply because people like to watch old people being made donkeys of by small brats. That’s just life. And Hollywood.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Twilight: New Moon

Chéri

At the age of 51, Michelle Pfeiffer is more than ready to play the role of a cougar… Well, so to speak. Although they had lovely euphemisms for such things in the early 1900s, the part of Lea de Lonval is essentially that – in modern-day speak.

A retired courtesan (again, what a lovely euphemism for prostitute), Lea (49) is left in charge of a strapping son of a fellow courtesan. Chéri, as he is known, is 25 and rather difficult to resist falling in love with – a cardinal no-no for any self-respecting lady of the night. What develops is a six-year affair fraught with constantly changing feelings and many pained expressions from Pfeiffer as she runs the gauntlet of emotions associated with being The Older Woman. The performances are beautifully nuanced and the classic story still very sexy, 100 years on.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Che: Part 1

If I ruled the world I would make the watching of this movie compulsory for one simple reason: ask anyone who’s wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt/cap/pair of undies and I will guarantee that 90% will not know who the hell the man in the beret is. That ranks high on my Pet Hates list.

Besides that, Che really was a fascinating dude. As you may have guessed, Part 1 is being released first and focuses on his part in the Cuban revolution with his mate Fidel Castro. Part 2 will be released within a month to complete the ill-fated tale. I love that Benicio Del Toro plays Guevara with so much conviction, but I do admit that if you’re not into expanding your historical knowledge (even if it is to know whose face you’re wearing), you could find yourself nodding off to sleep in your popcorn.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

De Dhana Dan

If you want insane antics and non-stop ridiculousness, it doesn’t get better than this Bollwood offering.

Starring Sameera Reddy, Sunil Shetty and a basketload of other fantastically colourful characters, the movie involves a few heiresses and possible suitors, a Chinese Don, an assassin, a drunk waiter and an overly pampered dog named Moolchandji – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s also a kidnapping, a wedding and general mishaps, set to some wicked tunes that you’ll be humming for days after. Pure entertainment.

Rating 4 outta 5.

Law Abiding Citizen

Since this movie hardly warrants writing about, I will summarise: Man goes on murderous rampage after his wife and daughter are killed and one of the killers is let off after turning state witness. Man also targets crooked lawyer who let killer off the hook to advance his career. Man creates big, bloody mess and a pile of bodies. Man is played by flavour of the week Gerard Butler, and Lawyer is played by Jamie Foxx.

Yup, that’s about all there is to say about this hateful little movie that is taking full advantage of the gratuitous gore trend that so many movie makers are relying on to put bums on seats at the cinema. Frankly, it’s lazy, uninspired and a load of bollocks – according to me, that is.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Kurbaan

Kareena Kapoor describes her role in this movie as one she could “sink her teeth into”. Whether it will earn her as much recognition as her other roles remains to be seen, however.

This time she plays a teacher who falls in love with a professor, played by a brooding Saif Ali Khan. However, all is not rainbows and joyful dancing… When the two relocate to New York they find themselves drawn into a series of horrific and terrifying events. More than this I will not tell you.

Due to the nature of the plot, the music is quite different and a refreshing change; reduced tempos and moody, haunting numbers act as an excellent complement without taking centre stage. Is the story unpredictable? Nah, but it’s still not a bad show from two of Bollywood’s finest.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Pandorum

Now here’s a surprise… Going into this film not expecting much, I kind of enjoyed it – even with Dennis Quaid as the lead. We’ve had our fair share of sci-fi/alien/zombie movies over the years, starting with the ultimate – Aliens - but not since then has one really swept us away, right?

Well, Pandorum comes pretty close. Set in outer space, two guys wake up from an induced sleep not knowing who or where they are and soon discover They Are Not Alone; screeching, scary mutants are flitting around the spacecraft too. Problem. Then, just to spice things up, there’s the danger of spaceman madness, where a human can suddenly freak out and start killing people.

It’s a perfect recipe for a good jump in your seat flick – darkness, claustrophobia, a touch of madness and, of course, stalker mutants.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Surrogates

Robots. Another movie about robots and how people think robots are so great and then discover that maybe they’re not. Anyone else yawning yet? What’s worse, it stars Bruce Willis, so the directors felt they needed to turn the movie into a robot-mystery-action film. Perhaps one too many genres, no?

The premise is that robots are used as “surrogates” for humans to live their lives through, which is pretty depressing if you ask me. I mean, how long can you spend on the couch before you become the couch? But it all goes sour when a human is murdered and it looks like the robots could be turning on humanity. Weak, lame, boring. Should I go on?

Rating: 1 outta 5.

A Christmas Carol

Not to gush, but this movie takes the cake for Christmas release of the decade, and trust me, I’m a big Grinch fan.

Brilliant doesn’t even begin to describe the level of intricate animation that has been so lovingly injected into this classic tale. The ghosts are macabre and grotesque, Scrooge is wrinkled and sunken, and old London is captured so wonderfully that you can almost feel the cobblestones under your patent, lace-up boots.

Plus, as a real treat, they’ve made the film in 3D, so hold onto your wine gums when those ghosts come at you. With Jim Carrey as the quirky voice and inspiration for Scrooge, there’s not much more we can say besides, “This is what we go to the movies for”.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Zombieland

How does one kill a zombie? Let me count the ways. Grand piano, banjo, car door, semi-automatic… that’s just a start.

Welcome to Zombieland, where everyday people are terrorised by overzealous zombies. Well, everyone but red-neck Tallahassee, played by Woody Harrelson. His sole purpose? To kill ’dem damn zombies!

What results is a zombiecom that is going to go down in history. Witty, tongue-in-cheek and downright hilarious, the film spins the current zombie craze on its rotting head, bringing us a much-needed breath of fresh air. Plus, what a treat to see Woody in such long-forgotten comedic form, and Abigail Breslin all grown up and not so cute. Wicked, wicked, wicked.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Julie and Julia

You’ll need some context here: Julia Child was an American who studied French haute cuisine and wrote a book of 524 French recipes you could learn in 365 days. Julie Powell is an ambitious if not slightly insane New Yorker who decided to cook every single one of the 524 recipes in one year, in her tiny Queens apartment and blog about it.

Julie subsequently wrote a book about her insanity and now the film has inevitably been made, paralleling the lives of both women. What elevates the movie from slightly drab to fab is Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Julia, which is flawless, obviously, but apart from that, it’s one I’d rather rent on DVD and doze off in front of on a Sunday afternoon.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Fireflies in the Garden

I do believe Ryan Reynolds is an underrated actor. Even in this underwhelming divided-family-coming-to-terms-with-a-tragedy film, his performance is what compelled me to keep my person in the cinema.

And, along with a stellar show from Emily Watson, the movie is watchable, if not a little contrived, predictable and overwrought. Oops, have I said too much? But watchable is never okay in my book, especially when you’re paying 50 bucks to see it. If you’re into pain and angst (and I most certainly am) wait for the DVD. If not, go do something with those 99 minutes of your life that you might have wasted.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Whatever Works

Let me preface this by saying it’s Woody Allen. So, at this point, half of you can move onto the next review, and the rest of you can rub your hands together with glee.

No, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m still not sure which side of hit and miss this movie falls on, but if you’re interested in his contorted view of the world, you’ll go watch anyway. The big draw card to Whatever Works is Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame. He’s brilliant, let’s face it, so playing Boris, a washed-up, almost Nobel-nominated Jewish physicist living in Chinatown is bound to be pretty entertaining.

Add to the mix a little minx played by who else but Evan Rachel Wood, and you’ve got the bones of the film. The flesh, however, is another story altogether…

Rating: 4 outta 5.

This Is It

If you’re expecting to see a polished Michael Jackson spectacular, forget it. When watching this hurriedly put-together film you must remember that it was never meant for release. Apparently MJ was simply recording the events around his final tour for posterity, so it’s rough and obviously takes on a doccie feel without ever really becoming a doccie.

It’s interesting, no doubt, to see the level of perfectionism the King of Pop demanded from everyone around him, but I guess that goes without saying as his shows were always flawless (except for the time his hair caught on fire, of course). It was also a bit strange and weirdly voyeuristic, however, to be watching footage so soon after MJ’s death, but I suppose that’s the point… you wouldn’t want to miss the boat and risk losing a whack of cash now would you?

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Crossing Over

Not John Edward

Genova

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The Time Traveler's Wife

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Disgrace

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Adam

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Faith Happens

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GI Joe

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My Sister's Keeper

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Movie Review copy to be blogged here

Test 1.
3 August 2009