Tron: Legacy

Disney has been hyping this movie for months, clearly anticipating a massive return on investment. The sequel (28 years later) to the obscure movie Tron, it revolves around a strange game that sucks you into another reality where super fx and other blockbuster trimmings abound. For all the hype it’s all pretty average, if you ask me. But perhaps you shouldn’t: I’m not exactly your typical gamer and generally hate movies based on any kind of games (yes, even Twister). I have no doubt, however, that many of you will enjoy the weird universe Disney has created, and for the rest of you there’s always the awesome Daft Punk soundtrack that accompanies the story.

Rating: 3/5

The Town

It’s been a while since a gritty crime thriller lived up to its hype, but this one ain’t half bad. A group of career criminals (Doug, James, Albert and Desmond) take a bank manager, Claire, hostage during a heist and eventually release her unharmed. In a twist, Doug ends up falling for Claire and must juggle his feelings for her while dealing with an FBI agent who’s hot on his trail. It makes for an entertaining and gripping watch, well worth the movie ticket price. 

Rating: 4 out of 5

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

In his latest movie, Woody Allen uses the occult and the city of London as the invisible force that binds a foray of characters together. They are mostly a miserable bunch of family members and acquaintances leading miserable lives and only manage to make each other more depressed.

Helena and Alfie divorce each other in their golden years. Their daughter, Sally, is in a dead-end marriage to Roy, who pines for their exotic neighbour, while Sally has an eye for her new boss Greg. So what do they have in common, besides their loathing for each other? Just a fortune-teller, whose predictions seem to be strangely spot-on even though she’s obviously fake. Their lives don’t seem to get any happier throughout the movie, so it will only make you feel blessed to have the problems that you do. For that reason alone, it gets the rating below.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Little Fockers

By now you know exactly what you’re getting yourself in for when visiting with the Fockers. Totally inappropriate and offensive jokes, toilet humour and a dash of physical comedy all pop into mind… Which is why this franchise has done so well. Is this one pushing the Focker family past its sell-by date? Perhaps, but you won’t be able to resist a few good laughs along the way. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about: being amused while you sit back with a few snacks?

Rating: 3/5

Eternity

Vampire meets cherrie; smaaks cherrie stukkend. Oh yes, ladies and gents, we finally have our very own Twilight saga…

If I hadn’t been so morbidly curious about the movie, I might have skipped this one. It does star Christina Storm, after all. Set in inner city Johannesburg, where delectable and dangerous creatures of the night roam, Billy, a sensitive young vampire, meets Jenny in a club. Sparks fly and they fall in love. Enter Billy’s ex-flame (Storm), who attempts to stop their budding romance. Oh, did I mention the potential war lurking between the vampire clan leaders? Yes, there are a bunch of modern vampires who want to be able to roam about during the day, and they’re battling the traditionalists who want things to remain as is. The jury is still out on whether the film is an epic success or failure, but big ups to guys for having the fangs to bring the genre home!



Rating: 3 outta 5.

Due Date

Hands up who’s feeling super-energised and keen for a serious movie at this time of year. Uh-huh. Okay, so maybe I laughed more at this movie than I should have because I’m overtired and burnt out, but that’s exactly what I needed to kick-start the holiday.

From Todd Phillips, who brought us The Hangover, comes this holiday comedy that might not go down as a classic but will definitely have you snorting uncontrollably at certain points. As a reminder, Phillips has thrown in the heavily bearded Zack Galifianakis, who brings with him that same ridiculous Hangover humour, as well as the irresistible Robert Downey Jr. The two pair up for a roadtrip of errors when RDJ mistakenly gets placed on the “no fly” list as he’s rushing off to be with his wife, who’s giving birth. As you can guess, it’s mayhem from start to finish. Definitely my movie of the holiday.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Megamind

With a voice cast that boasts Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt, Tina Fey and Jonah Hill, this animated offering ain’t half bad, which I’m sure is good news for all those moms and pops who have to sit through more than a few kiddies’ movies this festive season. In fact, the grown-ups might well enjoy this megalomaniacal story more than the kids.

Ferrell’s villain character kills off his nemesis and creates a new one (Hill), who then decides he wants to take over the universe – obviously – forcing the villain to become the good guy. With well-formed characters and some wicked humour, this is one flick you won’t mind watching more than once.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Paranormal Activity 2

If you like being scared out of your movie seat – so much so that you catapult popcorn into the hair of the person three rows in front of you - you would have gone to see the first Paranormal Activity last year. Filmed in the same style as Blair Witch – with a hand-held camera – and having no real storyline to boast of, the film still delivered what it promised: a big scare.

This one is no different except our two lone characters have moved into another house and have four extra people to talk to. After an apparent robbery they install security cameras around the house and, well, you know the rest. Strange things appear on the video, and even freakier things happen after dark. Like the last film, this one will make you giggle nervously as you wait for the groot skrik, and trust me there are more than a few. If you love the adrenalin rush of a good fright, book now!

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Stoute Boudjies

What’s this Afrikaans fliek about? Well, that’s simple: sex, drugs and a lot of ridiculous shenanigans that you’ll laugh at in spite of yourself. The story revolves around varsity student Hardus, who is desperate to lose his virginity. Lucky for Hardus he meets a gorgeous blonde who offers her, er, services. But that’s just one thread of this loosely woven story...

There’s also the drug deal that Hardus and his mate Vaatjie get thrown into, and the boat they get thrown off of – naked. Yup, this is pretty much the Afrikaans version of every teen movie that’s ever been made and, like a good majority of those movies, it’s pretty darn funny.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest

Although this Swedish trilogy has been released almost back to back, it has still felt like years between the films, simply because I’ve been so engrossed in the story of Lisbeth and Mikael and their mission to uncover the truth behind several dodgy murders.

The films, like the books, are so jam-packed with intricate details that it would take me days to explain the plot, so let me rather say this: pay attention and enjoy the rollercoaster ride that these brilliantly made movies provide.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Lucy, Edmund, Eustace and Prince Caspian head out to sea to find the end of the world in this third instalment of the famous literary series. As usual there are a host of talking animals, most notably Reepicheep the mouse, as well as other fantastical creatures like dragons, merpeople and dwarves.

If you’ve watched the films preceding this one you’ll know that the world of Narnia is like no other, and the same goes for the special effects and script, which is probably why the series has garnered so many fans. This is a reverie worth getting lost in, at least for a couple hours.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Spud

Whether you’ve read the adventures of little Spud as he enters boarding school or not, you will enjoy the film for various reasons.

One: John Van De Ruit’s incredibly entertaining stories naturally lend themselves to screen conversion; they go together like pap and vleis. Two: Spud is a South African story and now a South African film, shot right in our own back yard. This means that it stars some fabulous young, home-grown talent, which is always exciting to see. Three: John Cleese brings the colourful character of The Guv to life with such aplomb that you’ll think he was born just to play this role. I can’t wait for the second one! Go see it.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The American

This well-crafted film verges on being more art cinema than mainstream, so if you were hoping for a charming George Clooney standard you’ll need to adjust your expectations. That said, the film is also slow, deliberate and pedantic in its detail, and one that must be watched carefully so as not to miss the subtleties.

George is an assassin sent on a final job to Italy. We soon realise there are many people who want him dead, as well as people around him who can’t be trusted. Then there’s a woman… This intricate thriller is not for everyone simply because of its pace, so if you’re tired or not in the mood to concentrate you probably won’t appreciate it.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

There are a couple things you should know about this movie before you decide whether to watch it. For a start it is based on a series of graphic novels aimed at teens and young adults, so fans of the literature will have a big advantage in knowing what the heck is going on.

You should also be aware that the story is all a figment of the protagonist’s imagination. So the perfect love of Scott’s life, Ramona, is actually all in his head, as are her 7 Evil Exes who Scott must defeat in order to take Ramona as his girlfriend.

The movie is highly stylised, with words like “Kapow” appearing alongside karate kicks, and characters that are really just parodies put there to make it seem like you’re caught inside an old-school video arcade game – all of which is pretty cool if that’s your thing.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Faster

Pity this movie doesn’t go “Faster” than others of 95 minutes. It’s almost two hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Yes, I’m biased against movies that “star” Dwayne Johnson, but that’s only because he’s always in such awful ones. Predictably, this one is no different. Maybe it’s because the script is so unoriginal: Dwayne is out to take revenge on a bunch of baddies who killed his brother in a heist gone wrong, or maybe it’s because all the actors are just so stereotyped and uninspired. Yawn.

If rehashed vigilante violence is not your idea of fun, avoid at all costs.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I

The darkness that dominated the last Harry Potter film continues into this final stretch of the story. With Voldemort’s power growing, and the future of the wizarding world looking increasingly dire, we get to see a very different side of our three main characters Harry, Ron and Hermione: One where they are not quite so confident of their abilities.

If you’ve read the books you’ll know that Harry also uncovers the power of the Deathly Hallows, and what exactly that means. If you’re a film-only fan, you’ll be swept up in the mystery of it all. Another awesome Harry film – the worst part will be waiting for Part II!

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Baaria

Along with a wonderful example of unforgettable storytelling, acclaimed director Giuseppe Tornatore brings to this film a sense of beauty that you will marvel at. Probably one of the best art films of the year, the story follows three generations of an Italian family, and their journeys though Italian history, love, pain and triumph. You will get lost in this beautifully shot epic and want to watch it all over again as soon as it’s finished.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Coco and Igor

If you were enthralled by the Coco Avant Chanel rags-to-riches story, you’ll love this film which offers yet another insight into her fascinating life. This time we see Chanel as a wealthy and successful businesswoman who becomes drawn to Russian composer Igor Stravinsky and his controversial work.

Grieving the loss of her lover, Chanel invites Igor and his family to move into her summer home, where the two artists get to know each other better. Despite having to look after his dying wife, Igor and Chanel find time to develop a relationship of their own, which, of course, leads them down a slippery slope. Beautifully filmed and well acted, this additional instalment of Chanel’s life is absolutely fascinating if you’re interested.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

White Gold

British colonialists luring Indians to South Africa to work on the sugar plantations in Natal is the historical background against which this story is set. We follow the story of Shankar, his friends and family as they say goodbye to their homeland and set off for an unknown country. The hardships they had to endure, and the friendships and bonds borne out of this, are really the essence of this really interesting story.

If you’re a South African Indian wanting to know more about your South African predecessors, go see this film.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Red

You can tell when actors are having an absolute blast on screen, and it makes you enjoy the movie even more, don’t you think? In Red, we’re not only treated to some awesome actors (Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich), but their unadulterated enjoyment of the script too. And what a ridiculously fun script it is.

Intentionally silly and cynical, this is one of those films that both stupid and intelligent people can enjoy. The only difference is that the stupid people will actually believe that a well-mannered pensioner could take out some very dangerous men with an automatic weapon. The story is familiar: retired CIA assassins become targets of the very institution they spent years protecting, and must root out the bad eggs in a rogue mission. Essentially the gang gets back together and much craziness ensues. It’s a laugh a minute and perfect for escaping reality for a couple hours.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Jackass 3D

Nothing’s changed in the Jackass camp except the ages of the idiots inflicting ridiculous pain on each other. Yup, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and even Wee Man are pushing 40, which either makes this instalment of life-threatening stunts more impressive or sad, depending on which side of the fence you stand.

Of course there’s no plot to speak of (it would be more useful to list the number of brain cells lost) so I will just list some of the keywords mentioned in various reviews… Electrocution, Obese Man, Vomit, Male Frontal Nudity, Blood, Bitten on Butt, Tattoo, Super Glue. Like I said, nothing’s changed. Just a friendly warning: stupidity is catching.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Guzaarish

We never get to see Bollywood films before their release, but from the trailer this drama looks absolutely intriguing.

A successful magician, played delicately by Hrithik Roshan, becomes a paraplegic and petitions the court to allow him to be euthanised. Through a series of flashbacks we see a man whose life was filled with love, vigour and illusion, and begin to understand why he wants to die.

Playing his love interest is the hardest working actress in the business, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, but the star of the show is definitely Roshan and his moving performance. Looks like this one is worth watching!

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Battle for Terra

In this animated Sci-fi flick, tables are turned when humans invade a planet of cute little aliens. After leeching the earth of all resources, the humans set off to the planet Terra, and are not looking to make nice with the inhabitants.

While this animation is more 2D looking than 3D, the effect is refreshing, and suited to the SF genre. I especially loved the design of the planet Terra. Of course the message is a poignant one of warning, as well as a comment on man’s selfish tendency to take, take, take. This is a good one for the kids, and you might even find yourself enjoying it more than you expected too.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Liefling

Disclaimer: The Popcorn Critic does not pretend to be the target market for this film and therefore cannot guarantee a particularly objective or useful review.

Ok, with that out the way can I just say that this is an Afrikaans musical. Yes, you read that right. Think Grease meets Benoni. Think Kurt Darren and Hartebeespoort dam. Think Blonde versus Brunette. Think liedjies. Get an idea? Look, from what I can tell, this local production is a barrel of fun, but I just won’t watch it because of, well, the disclaimer.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Unstoppable

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who doesn’t like Denzel Washington. Despite being cast mainly in action movies, he doesn’t have that irritating action-hero bravado like other stars.

Here he reunites with Man on Fire director Tony Scott in a heart-stopping thriller that will remind you of Speed. Instead of a runaway bus, however, Denzel attempts to stop a runaway train packed with flammable materials. For the younger ladies’ benefit, Chris Pine is along with Denzel for the ride, and the two make a funny pair.

I like this film because, like Speed, it’s simple: Two guys must stop a train to avoid a national disaster. Because you don’t have to struggle to keep up with a complicated storyline you can just focus on the high-speed chase.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Kids Are All Right

Sure Julianne Moore and Annette Bening aren’t really married or lesbian, but can’t you just imagine them being perfect for each other if they were?

In this fabulously funny film, the two awesome actresses are not only married but have raised two children, who are now teenagers. Typical of most curious teens, they start wondering what it would be like to meet their father – who was/is essentially just the sperm donor. Enter a sexy-yet-scruffy Mark Ruffalo, who completes a perfect trio of actors in a pretty much perfect script.

It’s witty, endearing and really has nothing to do with making a statement about gay marriage. Instead we get a picture of a couple that are struggling with change and letting go. Fantastic!

Rating: 5 outta 5.

It's a Wonderful Afterlife

Roopi’s mother is desperate to find the perfect Indian man for her slightly chubby daughter and sets the poor girl up on endless dates, hoping that someone will take Roopi off her hands. So far all the suitors have turned Roopi down, which doesn’t bother her much until they start turning up dead, and the police suspect that she’s taking revenge on the guys for giving her bat.

With no hard evidence, the police send in one of their charming, undercover cops to get close to her and suss the situation. And of course… well, you can pretty much guess how this story ends. This is one of those films that I’d suggest you save for a rainy day – it’s simply not funny enough to warrant a night out.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Pope Joan

This German film follows the fantastical story of a 9th Century woman who pretends to be a man in order to rise through the ranks of the church to become Pope. The story is pretty involved and the runtime on the long side, but if you’re up for it, it’s a film that will leave you thinking for a couple days.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Crazies

After their water supply is tainted with a poisonous, madness-inducing substance, the inhabitants of Ogden Marsh start turning into psychotic zombies.

Do I even need to mention here that their only desire is to kill everyone around them? Or the fact that only a handful of residents, including the sheriff of course, are left unaffected and must escape before they become zombie fodder? To make matters worse, the military has surrounded the town and are on a mission to kill everyone in it so that the disease spreads no further.

This is a bog-standard fright film, so don’t expect anything too mind-blowing or original. You’ll see the scares coming…

Rating: 2 outta 5.

The Social Network

It’s been a while since I’ve been as excited about an upcoming film as this one. In spite of all the rave reviews and hype, I was still sceptical: How engaging could a movie about the creation of Facebook really be? Surely watching a bunch of nerds give birth to social networking would be boring and complicated? How wrong I was!

Paced like a kick-ass thriller, this film will have you enthralled, glued and fascinated by the story behind the Harvard kid who, in a fit of anger and revenge, decided to create an online space to rate campus chicks. This of course developed into Facebook, rapidly turning Mark Zuckerberg into a 20-something millionaire. But with his success came lawsuits, allegations, betrayal and temptation – all of which had the potential to bring the empire crashing down. Brilliant!

Rating: 5 outta 5.

The Girl Who Played With Fire

Yes, the second Swedish-titled instalment is here already! From the feedback I’ve received, people absolutely loved the first film, so you’re sure to enjoy the follow-up.

Dark and foreboding, Lisbeth is accused of being involved in a sex-trafficking ring after her investigations rub certain people up the wrong way. While she goes on the run, Mikael must try uncover who the real culprits are without getting himself killed. Riveting and fabulous.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

You Again

Here’s a comedy so unoriginal that you would be forgiven for thinking that you’ve seen it before.

There’s Marni (Kristen Bell), the highly successful exec who was a pimply nerd in High School and bullied by the gorgeous brunette cheerleader. Then there’s Marni’s brother, who’s about to get married to a girl Marni’s never met. Hmm… wonder who it could be? Who else but the brunette bully, Joanna? You see where this is going… But wait – there’s more! Turns out Marni’s aunt was also bullied by none other than Joanna’s mom, so when the family convene for the wedding and all is revealed, old insecurities and narcissistic tendencies resurface, making everyone a bit crazy.

I think anyone who would actually pay to see such drivel is a bit crazy too.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

The Infidel

The premise of this movie is pretty darn funny: A British Muslim discovers that he is actually adopted and Jewish. You can imagine the predicament that would cause a well-respected man of faith!

While there are some very funny moments in the movie, you’re left feeling that the writers could have gone much further with the idea and the humour. Instead of trying to remain politically correct, they should have taken a leaf out of Four Lions’ book and pulled out all the stops. Sadly the final product falls flat.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Action Replayy

I bet you never thought you’d see Aishwarya Rai in orange bellbottoms and other 70s-style gear. Well brace yourselves because this latest Bollywood film takes you back into the age of hippies, primary colours and free love.

Bunty (Aditiya Roy Kapoor) is distressed that his parents’ (Akshay Kumar and Aishwarya Rai) marriage was arranged and that the two of them lack the love and passion that love stories are made of. Determined to change this, Bunty finds a time machine and travels back into the 70s to make sure that his parets fall in love – properly this time.

This is a very cute film that will keep you giggling – mainly because of the outrageous outfits that the stars have to wear. I also loved the dance sequences with a touch of flower power.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Life as we Know it

When Holly (Katherine Heigl) and Eric (Josh Duhamel) know each other through mutual friends. Once upon a time they went on a date, which was a disaster, but since they became Godparents to said mutual couple’s newborn, they’re civil to each other. So you can imagine the shock when the couple die and leave their daughter under the care of both Holly and Eric.

Distraught and horrified, the two move in together for the sake of Sophie and try to navigate their way through forced parenthood. It’s not the most original or thought provoking of scripts but one of those movies that leaves you feeling kind of fuzzy and warm. At this stage of the year, when your head feels like it might explode, what more could you ask for?

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Four Lions

Four British Muslims decide that they would like to become terrorists because they want to do something significant and meaningful. Okay, before you freak out, this is actually a ridiculously funny satire from a very bold filmmaker.

Yes, the idea of a couple of rogue jihadists is essentially quite scary but it also makes for some outrageous scenes involving homemade explosives. While many will not appreciate the humour in this, the writers and director have not completely disregarded the inherent seriousness of the matter. If you look past the witty remarks and comedy of errors you’ll find the social comment you might be looking for. I love this ballsy film simply because it forces us to lighten up and laugh at ourselves.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Takers

There is absolutely nothing in this movie that you haven’t seen before in a hundred other films except rapper TI (before he was arrested, imprisoned and then arrested again) and singer Chris Brown (after he was arrested and convicted for battery). Charming.

The story is a mish-mash of several other heist/ robbery capers, but comes nowhere near being original or memorable. Sure, there are a couple cool action scenes – like when the rob squad blow up a part of the road so that the cash-in-transit van literally falls underground into their greedy hands – but apart from that I’ve got nothing for you.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Piranha

We’ve had Jaws, Bigfoot, Anaconda, Lake Placid and now – drumroll – Piranha! And you’ll never guess what the movie is about… An infestation of man-eating fish that look like they have literally swum straight out of a prehistoric horror movie and onto the screen. Fancy that.

As horrendous as these movies are I’ve actually come to love them, simply because they are so hilarious. Think of that scene in Lake Placid where the giant, rubber-looking crocodile rises up out of the water and gobbles up an entire pier – it’s one of my top comedic moments of all time. If you intend watching Piranha in the same vein, you’ll have a good chuckle – even more so if you see it in 3D. But don’t expect to be frightened; expect some so-bad-it’s-good entertainment.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Knucklehead

It seems movies are becoming a lucrative business for has-been wrestlers. First came Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, then John Cena and now Paul “Big Show” Wight. If you don’t know who Big Show is then you’re probably not a WWE watcher or the target audience for this film.

In an attempt to make a comedy out of fighting, the story revolves around middle-aged oaf Walter, who’s lived at an orphanage his entire life. When a wannabe promoter spots Walter and his large size, he decides to turn him into a fighter, which is not as easy as one would think. The result is a poor attempt at comedy that will probably only be funny to complete morons or kids who enjoy fart jokes.

Rating: 1/5

Charlie St. Cloud

In spite of his Disney movie appearances and annoyingly good looks, Zac Efron, it must be said, is a pretty good actor. Instead of sticking to the High School Musical formula that has made him a young millionaire and teen heartthrob, he’s made a real effort to avoid being typecast, and for this should be given props.

Here he takes on a big challenge playing a high-school graduate whose life is shattered when his little brother dies. Unable to move past the pain, Charlie (Efron) gives up his dreams, a scholarship and any semblance of a normal life to work in the cemetery where his brother is buried. Why? Well, because when the sun sets in the cemetery every day, Charlie can see, talk to and play with his dead sibling. You can imagine how this eventually brings Charlie’s life to a standstill.

Yes, the film employs completely abstract concepts and a bucket-load of emotion to move its audience, but I’m okay with that. It is, after all, just a movie that I happened to like.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Machete

Robert Rodriguez might not be Tarantino, but he sure shares Tarantino’s love of 70s, B-grade films. Having directed Sin City and Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Rodriguez is known for his satirical theatrics and dry parodies of the 70s action genre.

Machete is all of the above with a healthy dose of blood and ‘ruthless’ killing added to the mix. The long-haired Mexican is out to take revenge on a host of people and he does it with oversized machine guns, rifles and a trusty machete. If you’re not able to appreciate the references to cheesy films of days gone by, or the inherent humour in having Steven Seagal and Cheech Marin star in the flick, you won’t “get” this movie. For the rest of you, enjoy the laugh.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The End of the Line

The double meaning of this film’s title is more important than you can imagine. Not only does it address the fish at the end of the fisherman’s line, but it forces us to confront the ugly truth that the end of the fisherman’s line is in fact the end of the line for a host of fish populations.

Like other recent films that have thrown the proverbial bucket of cold water into our faces, this doccie examines just how badly man has plundered the ocean’s bounty. It is astonishing and frightening how quickly we are eating our way through the sea’s fish, offsetting the balance of mother nature and making extinct creatures that have been here for longer than all of us put together.

We must not copy our Karoo ostriches and bury our heads in the sand. The truth may be ugly but it remains fact, and the more informed we are the more likely we are to change. Go see this.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Joneses

The Joneses are people you really want to keep up with. Mom (Demi Moore) is superhot and a brilliant hostess; Dad (David Duchovny) is great at golf, drives the latest Audi and always has the latest gadgets to show off, and the two gorgeous teenage kids are the most popular specimens in school. Sound too perfect? Well it is.

I don’t want to give the secret away as it’s an interesting and original one, so I’ll just say that it’ll leave you thinking about why and how we all want to be exactly like the Joneses.

Rating 3 outta 5.

Alpha and Omega

Kate is a desirable Alpha wolf whose shiny fur and hunting skills are widely admired by all the male wolves in the pack, especially Humphrey. Problem is, Humphrey is an Omega wolf, which pretty much means he’s at the bottom of the class ladder and can’t possibly expect to woo Alpha Kate.

So when he and Kate are darted and taken to a reservation to “populate,” he’s pretty stoked. Kate, on the other hand, is horrified and determined to get back to her pack. On the journey, however, love runs its course. Ah, yes, another cute-yet-predictable kiddies film that will save you some money on babysitting this weekend.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Switch

I’ll admit that recently there have been a spate of romcom duds, and bad scripts have resulted in disappointing black marks against some of our favourite actors. Like Jennifer Aniston. Ok, so she is the romcom queen, but Bounty Hunter? And Management? What was she thinking?

Luckily here Jen’s been partnered with the awesome Jason Bateman, who plays the platonic friend who’s secretly in love with the leading lady. When Kassie (Aniston) tells Wally (Bateman) that she’s going to be artificially sperminated, he’s thrown. He gets drunk. He switches the donor’s sperm with his own. Seven years later, when Kassie moves back to town with her son, it becomes hard to ignore that the kid is Wally’s mini-me. What’s a secret sperm donor to do?

This is definitely one of the funnier and more endearing romcoms of the year, and for that I give it a double thumbs up.

Rating: 4/5

Cyrus

For recently divorced John (John C Reilly), the idea of finding a new partner is daunting, so when he meets Molly (Marisa Tomei) at a singles party, he falls instantly in love. She’s attractive, funny and likes John for the lovable klutz he is. There’s just one problem: she has a grown-up son who’s still creepily tied to his momma’s apron strings. Jonah Hill plays Molly’s son with the perfect balance of weird and funny, leaving John unsettled and not sure whether to befriend or loathe the kid.

While this film is extremely entertaining it is not a straightforward comedy, as the situation requires the actors to explore their feelings about a very awkward threesome. This in itself makes for an interesting experiment in acting. The offbeat tempo of this film is what makes it a winner.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Before you get all excited, this is not the much-hyped Hollywood version of the film that is due for release next year. This is, in fact, the Swedish version that has been subtitled in English.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock, the best-selling book of the same name is the first in a trilogy by Swedish author Stieg Larsson. Essentially it’s a suspense-filled thriller, but one that has literally done the global rounds and taken the world by storm.

Since there are people who seem to struggle with the concept of reading subtitles, the English version is in production, but for the rest of you – fans of the book or not – this is a gripping and totally satisfactory portrayal that will keep you glued. Do yourself a favour and watch this one before Hollywood puts its own spin on the story.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Centurion

This is what you need to know about this movie: a bunch of Roman soldiers known as the Ninth Legion are stalked and slaughtered – throughout the entire movie – by a group of weirdly painted Celtic tribespeople. And when I say slaughtered I really mean it.

Prepare yourself for gross dismemberment, fountains of blood and epic violence, and not in a Braveheart kind of way. No, this is purely gratuitous and pointless savagery with no storyline to justify or buoy it. I cannot think of a worse way to spend an afternoon. Yuk.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Legendary

I wouldn’t be a reviewer if I wasn’t quick to judge, and considering that this movie was produced by WWE films and stars pro-wrestler John Cena, it’s impossible for me not to judge this film by its company. On top of this the movie is actually more of a Hallmark special about a loser kid who joins the wrestling team to try forge a relationship with his equally pitiful brother (Cena) who used to be a great wrestler before he became an alcoholic. Don’t you just want to vomit? This family film should have gone straight to the DVD shop to collect dust.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Eat Pray Love

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book that inspired this movie has been translated into countless languages and read by millions of people around the globe. Clearly its message of self-discovery, taking a leap of faith and, once in a while, letting yourself eat as much pasta as your heart desires has struck a universal human nerve.

When 30-something Elizabeth found herself divorced, uninspired and unhappy with the person she was becoming, she packed up and went travelling for a year to Italy (where she ate and ate and ate), India (where she learnt how to pray in her own, distracted way) and Bali (where she learnt to love again), and she wrote about every moment. Sounds like a ready-made movie script, doesn’t it?

Julia Roberts plays Liz wonderfully, and the film revels in the beauty of each of the three countries. Yes, some people may find the story’s message condescending and contrived, but for the less cynical of us, we’re happy to enjoy every minute of one woman’s search for happiness and meaning.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Ondine

I don’t even know what to make of this movie. Just writing what it’s about seems silly, childish and downright bizarre, simply because its meant to be taken seriously.

Set in Ireland, Syracuse (Colin Farrell) is a recovering alcoholic fisherman with a sick, wheelchair-bound child. While out fishing one day he discovers a hot woman named Ondine in his net. She’s not a mermaid as she has no tail, but she can’t be a human as there’s not one waterlogged prune finger in sight. Clearly not bothered by this inexplicable phenomenon, Syracuse falls madly in love and other weird things happen. What makes this film so strange is that it doesn’t classify itself as fantasy and we’re meant to just buy into the idea that the “many fish in the sea” concept can be taken literally. I’m stumped.

If you’re feeling adventurous, give it a try, but don’t be surprised if you regret the hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Rating: 2 outta 5.