Iron Man 2

He’s baaaaack. Finally the much-anticipated sequel to the first Iron Man is out and promises all the big thrills we’ve come to expect. We’re just ecstatic that we get to see Robert Downey Jr in all his iron-clad splendour again!

Now that the world is aware of his unique ability, RDJ’s character Tony Stark is being pressured to share his armoured secrets. At the front of the line is the army, of course, and no doubt a host of terrorist groups follow closely behind. Okay so it’s not so much a terrorist group as a disgruntled crazy man in the form of an iron-toothed Mickey Rourke, who is out to destroy our man Tony. Luckily the trusty Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), and James "Rhodey" Rhodes (Don Cheadle) have got Stark’s back and join forces to conquer the bad guys. You’ve got to love big-budget superhero action!

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Taking Woodstock

On a cloud of Marijuana smoke comes the true story about the guy who gave the 1969 Woodstock festival a home. Desperate to make some moolah to save his dad’s motel, Elliot Teichberg decides to invite travelling musos – like Janis Joplin and The Who – to perform on the hills neighbouring his property. Little did anyone – let alone Elliot – know how big the festival would become, nor predict the impact it would have on popular culture for decades to come.

The film, filled with colourful characters, hilarious anecdotes and great music, gives us yet another look at the life-changing event and leaves you wishing you’d been there. What a trip.

Rating: 4 outta 5

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Why exactly are men staring at goats, you may well ask. To make them fall over, of course. And so a very strange (and supposedly semi-truthful) story is born…

Supposedly the US government sanctioned the creation of a small group of men to investigate paranormal warfare back in the 80s. Which is where the goat staring comes in. You see, if you can get a goat to fall over just by staring at it, it follows that you can kill a man with the sheer force of your mind. Yeah, right.

As you can tell, the film really stretches the bounds of believability and must be taken with the intended pinch of salt, and tongue pressed firmly against cheek. In fact, if it weren’t for the brilliant George Clooney and a host of other wonderful actors, you might not even bother watching it. Odd. Very odd.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Love Happens

If I were a casting director, I would never, ever put Jennifer Aniston together with Aaron Eckhart. Seriously. Where’s the fire, the spark? Oh, but life isn’t like that, you say! Newsflash: this is Hollywood – possibly the furthest away you can get from real life, so I demand more spark!

Instead this love story (about a widower finding his way back to love) fizzles out before its even been ignited. And while we’re on the subject of fizzling, let’s just take a moment to consider Jennifer Aniston’s waning career. Just how many times can you play exactly the same cutesy character before you become that character? No wonder she has no love life to speak of.

Okay so maybe I’m too cynical. The movie’s not that bad, but it is bland. And predictable. And a bit of a snooze-fest. And that’s my attempt at trying to make the love happen.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

House Full

Polygamy – the stuff many male dreams are made of. One could argue, however, as Aarush (Akshay Kumar) does, that it’s just so hard to decide between women, which is why he marries three of them, without their knowledge, of course. You can guess that the women obviously find out, though, and all hell breaks loose.

Sajid Khan brought us the comedy Heyy Babyy, so you’ll know what to expect: ridiculous slapstick, women in bikinis and general mayhem, which in this movie includes a slapping scene involving a vervet monkey. If that sounds like your thing then you’ll love this very average offering.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Food, Inc.

Who needs horror when you’ve got real life? In a similar vein to Michael Moore’s sensational doccie films, Food, Inc. takes us into the cutthroat world of food production in the USA. And here’s the bottom line: they will do anything – and I do mean anything – to make money off of the consumer.

Shockingly this includes sending out unhealthy, life-threatening and addictive food for consumption. Okay, so we shouldn’t be so shocked – greed at all costs has become the norm in most big corporations. Luckily the film gives the power back to us, the consumers, showing how we can make a difference to the system. No matter how small, these changes could end up saving your life. This is a must-see expose that is set to make waves around the world. See it!

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Kick Ass

This movie is downright puzzling. On the surface it looks like an innocent superhero comedy complete with an 11-year-old, her purple wig and PVC cape, but innocent it is not. With violence so blatant and extreme that it puts Tarantino to shame, this film is a definite no-no for kids under the legal age.

I’m not usually too offended by bloodshed, especially when it’s done under the guise of satire. In fact I’d name several Tarantino films in my Top 10 faves ever, but I found myself disturbed by this film simply because it smacks of teen movie yet hits a very adult punch. Even when viewed in an adult context, I’m not sure I want to watch a film in which the violence is perpetrated by a pre-teen and her father, whom she calls “Big Daddy.” I might be missing the point, but I do know that audiences across SA will be divided on this one.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Extraordinary Measures

Here is a film similar to the 1992 drama Lorenzo’s Oil, but with far less Oscar power and far more Hallmark channel appeal.

The true story is an interesting one that resulted in a cure for the previously fatal Pompe disease that affected two children in the Crowley family, and the film details the struggle of Mr and Mrs Crowley to find the cure at all costs. In a divergence from the real story, the film couple find a nutty Professor at Nebraska University who is on the verge of a breakthrough. In real life the scientist was a Taiwan University graduate. How typical that Hollywood would change the story to make the hero American. And this is not my only gripe with the film.

Yes, the story is compelling, but that alone does not a good movie make. The performances are weak, as are the characters themselves, and the movie relies too heavily on sentiment to buoy its downfalls. This should have gone directly to DVD and gathered dust with other lazy filmmaking attempts.

Rating: 2.5 outta 5.

When in Rome

Another. Bad. Romcom. What a surprise. It seems good ones are the rarity these days with overused plot devices, weak scripts and the reliance on good-looking actors to sell the movie making up the majority of the genre. The sad thing is that everyone loves a good romcom and out of desperation will pay hard-earned cash to watch rubbish like this.

The story is ridiculous: a career driven and unlucky-in-love New Yorker pops over to Rome for her sister’s wedding and plucks three coins out of a magical love fountain. Which means that the men who threw these coins into the fountain will magically fall in love with her. Which means that they all follow her back to New York and start stalking her. What? Are we 12 years old? In what universe does that story lend itself to a cute romcom? Pathetic and sad.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

The Accidental Husband

If you have no need for solid plotlines or believable characters in your movies, be my guest and go and see this feeble romcom.

The ridiculous storyline goes something like this: Relationship “expert” and talkshow host Dr Emma Lloyd (Uma Thurman in yet another shockingly bad role) advises a listener to ditch her boyfriend Patrick (the always yummy Jeffrey Dean Morgan), who in turn decides to ruin the doc’s upcoming nuptials. How? By employing his son to hack into the United States IT systems and change her marital status to hitched – to him! Totally believable, right?

So when doc finds out she’s actually married to one Patrick Sullivan, fireman, she tries to rectify the problem but ends up falling in love. Aaah, how romantic. Not. It’s lame and dumb and a poor excuse for a romcom.

Rating: 2 outta 5

Leap Year

I will state up front that I am biased by the blinding hotness of Matthew Goode, who plays the irresistible Declan, the superhot (sorry, did I already mention that?) pub owner who offers to drive Anna (Amy Adams) to Dublin. Why is she going there? Well, to propose to her cardiologist boyfriend who just won’t pop the question. And of course this is allowed because it’s a leap year.

You don’t have to have passed Matric on higher grade to guess what’s bound to happen. Hello? Road trip in a really tiny car with a hot (sorry, can’t help myself) guy who turns out to be everything you’ve ever dreamed of… Then comes the proverbial spanner in the works – in the form of cardiologist boyfriend who shows up all enlightened after realising that Anna is the woman he wants to marry (if you like it then you should have put a ring on it, buddy).

Ahh, romcom drama at its best. If the shmaltz is making you break out in hives already, avoid at all costs.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

The Messenger

As horrific as the Iraq war has been, we’re all a bit tired of seeing movies about it, right? Unfortunately this might deter people from going to see The Messenger, but I would urge you to reconsider. Like The Hurt Locker, this film takes a completely new trajectory, looking at officers who have the unfortunate task of informing next of kin when their loved one has died in the line of duty.

Leading the pack is Woody Harrelson in perhaps his finest form ever, and with him tails newbie Ben Foster. Together they make a formidable pair, but alone, Staff Sergeant Montgomery (Foster) struggles with his new assignment. This is impacted further when he brings news to Olivia (Sam Morton) that she is a new widow and consequently can’t stop thinking about her. Intricate and fragile relationships peppered with history, hurt and death are what make this film a flash of brilliance.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Hachiko - A Dog's Story

I’m a dog/cat/bird/giraffe/lizard/cricket person, so animal movies are a killer for me. I couldn’t even watch the trailer for this one without drizzing into my cereal. I do however realise that not everyone is as mushy as me, so I will try to be objective.

The story is a true one and involves a college professor who adopts a cute-as-a-button puppy who seems to be lost. What develops is a relationship and love that captivates the small town in which man and beast happily reside. It’s inspiring while it lasts and terribly wretched when the professor dies, leaving Hachiko mourning for their old routine. If I say much more I might embarrass my colleagues with reckless wailing, so I will leave you to decide whether sentimentalism and animals is your thing. If anything it’s a clean, solid film to take the kids to.

Rating: 3 outta 4.

Clash of the Titans

A remake of the rather dire 1981 film, this 21st Century version comes complete with a slithering oversized scorpion and a pretty impressive cast. Sadly each one of them will go to their graves trying to forget that they ever took part in such a bastardisation of fantasy.

On paper it checks all the right boxes: cool effects, big scary monsters and an epic battle between good and evil, but this doesn’t translate on screen. On the contrary you’re bound to be bored or asleep in about 5 minutes flat.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Date Night

If you’re looking for a good quality comedy, which, let’s face it, is hard to come by these days, you need not search further. Throw together two of the funniest actors in Hollywood – SNL’s Tina Fey and The Office’s Steve Carrell - and you’ve got an instant winner. These two could make Romeo & Juliet look like a comedy.

Thanks to a simple case of mistaken identity while out on a “date night”, the tame and rather boring couple find themselves face to face with of a couple of hitmen and their guns. Predictably the couple escape, and what results is a hilarious and brilliantly executed comedy of errors that will have you snorting into your slush puppy.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

A Prophet

Nominated for this year’s Best Foreign Film Oscar, Un Prophéte, translated to A Prophet, is being hailed as The Godfather of the 21st Century. It follows the incarceration of a young Arab named Malik, who is drawn into the underground web of the Corsican mafia.

Thrilling and horrifying at the same time, the sub-titled movie plays out with extreme suspense and shocking violence that leaves you mesmerised. We watch as a lost, shy kid becomes a calculated killer, all the while wondering what is going on inside his head. He is transformed before our eyes, but remains an enigma, and this is the true strength of the film. Like the mysterious and elusive Don Corleone, Malik keeps us guessing throughout.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Away We Go

I love this movie for the simple reason that it dispels the myth that “blood is thicker than water.” Don’t get me wrong, family is great but not always the best for one’s mental health.

When Burt (John Krasinski of The Office) and Verona, a mixed-race couple, share the news that they are expecting, his parents respond by moving to Europe. In return, the couple decide to embark on a road trip to find a place where they belong. This includes stopping off at the dwellings of various abnormal friends and family, which prompts Burt and Verona to wonder if they are better off alone.

It’s a fantastic ride, filled with a host of colourful characters and directed by the awesome Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Revolutionary Road), so only the hardest of hearts won’t be melted.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Outrageous

If you’ve ever dreamt about becoming a comedian in South African, watch this. A behind-the-scenes doccie-type film, Outrageous tracks the nomadic and seriously unglamorous lives of some of our best funny men and one woman.

Following John Vlismas, Riaad Moosa, Joey Rasdien, Barry Hilton, Mark Banks, Loyiso Gola and Krijay Govender as they go about their unconventional careers, we get an all-too intimate look at the grungy places these talented people must perform, but also get a private audience with them before and after the shows. This motley crew is the cream of the comedic crop, so it goes without saying that the footage is extremely entertaining. Personally I think we harbour some of the best comedians on the globe, so I urge you to go out and see this very funny offering.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Descent 2

This second instalment follows on directly from the first with sole survivor Sarah Carter going back into the cannibal-infested cave from whence she escaped. Sheesh, doesn’t this chick watch horror movies? Doesn’t she know that even if you return with a posse of gun-wielding tough guys you’ll still be eaten alive?

Yeah, no surprises in this one as it pretty much plays out in exactly the same way as the first film. Which means that if you loved Descent, you’ll be a fan of the second one. Personally I think one bloody zombie movie played out in a dark, underground cave is enough for one lifetime.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang

Okay, so this week’s Popcorn Pick is a ‘kiddie’ flick, but my options are seriously limited. Plus, it ain’t half bad. I have to be honest and say I loved the first Nanny McPhee movie, and this one seemed to top the first, which is always a surprise.

Perhaps it’s the stellar cast of Ralph Fiennes, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Emma Thompson, who plays the wart-faced Nanny. Together they create a mystical movie that is not only fun, but semi-intelligent too. You might even pick up some invaluable tips on parenting. With the Oscar movies down it’s time to lower your standards and have a bit of fun.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Cove

This extraordinary film is a documentary on steroids. Following a group of activists in their mission to expose the killing of dolphins in Taijii, Japan, we get a shocking, first-hand account of the criminality that has been taking place for so many years.

The team is followed, threatened and endangered constantly, yet they manage to install secret cameras in the famous Taijii cove to record the animal abuse and expose the unsafe meat that is being created as a result. It’s disturbing and horrifying yet wonderfully satisfying to see people taking a stand. And it plays out like a super-paced thriller. Go see this movie – it’s a triumph!

Rating: 5 outta 5

The Race-ist

What can I say about this locally made movie about a coloured kid who becomes a race-ist (read: race car driver) rather than a racist (get it?)? I guess I should rather keep my mouth shut, as I’m really not the target market.

Can I just say that any movie starring Big Brother loser Bad Brad should come with an ugly warning? Luckily he’s not the main attraction. What is the big attraction of this don’t-give-a-damn film is the fast cars, celebrity appearances and big, brash South African attitude. If you’re in for a local version of Fast and Furious, go and support the film. I will give props to the creators for having the balls to make a movie of this genre.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

The Bounty Hunter

A bounty hunter finds that his latest ‘client’ is his ex-wife, a journalist supposedly trying to cover up a murder. Obviously there’s history between the two, and the job doesn’t go as smoothly as he’d planned, especially when it becomes apparent that someone is chasing said ex-wife.

Sound boring? Well, it is. Dull, in fact. Not even the good looks of Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler can save it. This is the stuff bad movies are made of: half-hearted jokes and ‘comedy’ cliché’s ad nauseam. Rubbish!

Rating: 1 outta 5