London River

It’s 2005 and extremists have just detonated bombs in the underground and on a bus in London. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, right? Well, this movie relives the event through the eyes of two parents: one a rural, English widower and the other a tall, French-speaking black Algerian, both of whom are looking for their kids who have disappeared in the wake.

What transpires is a massive shock to the mother: her daughter has converted to Islam, and she has been spending time with the Algerian man’s son. She fears the worst and takes out her racism and prejudices on the steely man, who turns out to be just as concerned and more similar to her than she could ever have imagined. As one would predict, tragedy brings the strangers to a common ground of understanding.

While the film is engaging enough, it feels contrived and comes across as lacking sincerity, which is a pity given the acting talents of the two leads. Wait for the DVD release of this one.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

For Better For Worse

A Bollywood movie set in Durban? It’s about time! Written by Raeesa Mohamed, who also plays the main role of Anisa, and shot in 25 locations over 18 days, this is yet another local production to be proud of.



Anisa is a 30-year-old Indian woman in a typical Indian family, which means one thing – she’s under constant pressure to get married. There’s just one problem: Anisa’s been burnt by lousy men, so is not exactly keen to jump into anything, let alone a king-sized marital bed. But that’s just one thread. There’s also a dead body in the boot of a car, Kogie Naidoo as Anisa’s hilarious friend and, of course, a big, colourful dance sequence. It’s well worth going to see all the familiar faces and support our local industry!



Rating: 3 outta 5.

I Hate Luv Storys

Jay (Imran Khan) is a typical love cynic. Love stories are really not his thing, so you can imagine how thrilled he is to get a job as an assistant director to Veer (Samir Soni), the most famous romantic filmmaker in the business. On the set of the over-the-top film set, Jay is forced to work with the gorgeous Simran (Sonam Kapoor) who practically lives a love story. Her life is perfect – or so she thinks until she meets Jay, who turns her beliefs upside down. The two form an odd pair as their lives and the love story they are working on intertwine, affirming the old adage that opposites do indeed attract.

Let me just confirm your suspicions: Yes, this movie is like eating too much candyfloss, and you might just fall into a sucrose-induced coma if you don’t stay alert. Perhaps I would have taken it more seriously if they had just spelled the title correctly.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

If in New Moon you found Bella’s depression and angst so painful that you wanted to slap her with a wet fish, you will be pleased to hear that she is over herself in Eclipse. What she is not over is her undying love for The Cold One, aka Edward, who is desperate to marry his human. Yes, there are plenty more long kisses and intense stares to be had, but before you start yawning, Bella and Edward’s passion is somewhat altered by the hulking and terrifically torsoed presence of Jacob, aka the werewolf. Jacob is on a mission to get Bella to admit her feelings for him and will stop at nothing until he scores (read into that as much as you like, I won’t spill the beans.)

This third instalment of the saga is by far the most intriguing. Not only does the action set vampires against vampires, but it also gives some background into the history of key characters and takes the Jacob-Bella-Edward, and therefore werewolf-human-vampire love triangle to another level. There's heated lust, knuckle-busting confrontations and blood. In short it’s a thrill a minute. Twi-Hards, I must warn you though, one viewing is not enough. Pre-book your tickets for the worldwide opening on Wednesday but be sure to schedule a second viewing to take it all in. You will fall in love all over again.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

She's Out of my League

We love underdog stories, especially when they involve a nerdy guy and a hot chick. No matter how embarrassing the nerd’s life (and inevitably his friends) may be we find ourselves rooting for him, wishing him to score.

When airport security loser Kirk (Jay Baruchel) rescues the gorgeous Molly’s phone, she asks him out. Why? Well, she’s tired of being jerked around by hot guys (what a drag that can be) and wants to give lesser mortals a try. Of course she’s totally out of his league and he can’t understand why she would want to give him the time of day, but hey, he’ll go with it. In the process a number of mortifying things happen, as can be expected. And they’re funny.

Sure we’ve seen the gags before, but somehow they seem fresh all over again, perhaps due to Baruchel, who plays the likable loser so convincingly. You might even snort your Slush Puppy though your nose if you’re not careful.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Toy Story 3

Andy is all grown up and off to college, and Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Barbie, Mr Potato Head and the gang find themselves in a predicament: They’re being donated! And while initially it seems they’ve gone to a wonderful second home, complete with friendly toys and Ken’s Dream Home, something sinister is lurking beneath the façade.

Then it turns out that Andy’s mom was the one who donated the toys and he now wants them back! Somehow the toys must find their way back to him and so another adventure begins. This is the third Toy Story instalment and just as charming as ever. Plus, this time you can see the gang in 3D. Take the family for a good, wholesome treat.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Fourth Kind

You’ve seen those fake documentaries before. Think Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, where the filmmakers try to convince us that the movie is inspired or based on true events. In case you didn’t already know, this is not true. The stories you see are fabricated for the purpose of selling movies.

Bearing that in mind you won’t be surprised to hear that The Fourth Kind, about supposed alien abductions in small-town Alaska, is also not true despite constant attempts throughout the film to convince us otherwise. What is the gimmick in the film quickly becomes its downfall. By constantly flashing “Actual Audio” and “Real Footage” across the screen, it becomes increasingly difficult to even entertain the idea that the story could be true. If they had just let us indulge our imaginations it might have worked. Sadly it’s just a mess of special effects.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Creation

Charles Darwin. Ring any bells? You know, the guy that came up with the theory of evolution and natural selection? The guy who the church wanted to burn at the stake for daring to question the Christian concept of creation?

Well, it turns out the revolutionary scientist didn’t set out to turn the world on its head and in fact struggled with his discoveries and theories on a very personal level. He even put off publishing his book On the Origins of Species for as long as possible to avoid the inevitable furore. What compelled Darwin to investigate his scientific hunches was the sudden death of his daughter. While it drove his wife further into the comforting arms of her faith, it drove him to science. This obviously created some tension between husband and wife, but the two managed to navigate their way through a marriage that lasted until he died in 1882.

Not surprisingly, this is what the film focuses on: the complex relationship between Darwin and his wife, which, in my opinion seems secondary to the mind-blowing discoveries the man made. Then again, this is the movies, where romance and drama take centre stage. If you’re looking for the doccie, you ‘re going to have to visit the DVD store.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Maid

This small-scale, offbeat art film from Chile delivers a big punch, hitting a nerve that so many of us can relate to in South Africa. The story examines the intimate yet often difficult and uncomfortable relationship that exists between a live-in maid and the family that she serves.

Raquel has worked for the bourgeois family in question for more than half her life. She doesn’t particularly like it – in fact she has some serious rage that’s built up over 23 years – but it’s her job, and she does it well. So, when the family decide to hire someone else to assist Raquel, her animosity grows, making life even more awkward for the family.

The story plays a secondary role to what is inferred and what remains unsaid in the film, however. The delicate act of including another person into the family out of a sense of moral duty is so expertly and painfully explored that you'll find yourself squirming in your seat. A fascinating and powerful look at a rather taboo subject.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Death at a Funeral

When I heard that an American version of this 2007 British film was being made I was perplexed. I shouldn’t have been. Why wouldn’t the Americans think they could improve on an insanely funny movie that was punctuated with just the right amount of dry wit and stiff upper-lip Brit humour? Sorry, but the sheer arrogance of it offends my sensibilities. Then again maybe I’m just being precious about a movie that I found so outrageously entertaining that I don’t believe anyone could do it better.

Hollywood has convened some of the biggest names in comedy to pull off the sharp script: Chris Rock, Terry Morgan, Martin Lawrence and Danny Glover all feature and yes, they’re funny. Not as funny as the original in my opinion but still amusing. If you haven’t seen the 2007 version here’s the lowdown: A family gathers for the funeral of their father and, over the course of the afternoon, find themselves having to deal with a coffin-load of ridiculous mishaps. An accidental Ecstasy ingestion, a blackmailing midget and a crabby old uncle with diarrhoea are all on the list. Even though it’s round two of the same flick, it’s bound to be the comedy of the month.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Youth in Revolt

Nick Twisp is a virgin surrounded by horny parents and their casual lovers. Isn’t life cruel? So when he falls head over heels for Sheeni Saunders at Restless Axles trailer park/ holiday resort, he’s keen “come of age” under her tutelage. However, when she tells dear, innocent Nick that he needs to be “bad”, he finds himself feeling more self-conscious than ever.

Enter Francois Dillinger, Nick’s moustache-bearing alter ego, who is more than bad, he’s obscene. Francois is everything Nick isn’t: loud, proud and not afraid to wear white loafers and oversized aviators. The result? Very amusing chaos. Michael Cera (Juno, Superbad) is a comic genius, and playing clumsy teen roles are his current forte. He is undoubtedly what makes this film a success and the only real reason you’ll find it laugh-out-loud funny.

Rating: 4 outta 5

Broken Embraces

If you’ve never heard of writer and director Pedro Almodóvar you’re probably not an art-house movie fan. The Spaniard is responsible for movies like Volver and Todo Sobre Mi Madre, which both happen to star Penélope Cruz. This is no mistake; Almodóvar has claimed that Cruz is indeed his muse and the reason he can create such intense stories on screen.

Here she stars again in her fourth film written and directed by the talented moviemaker. Watching Cruz create a character in her native tongue once again, it is quite clear that Almodóvar is not the only one benefitting from the relationship. He manages to elicit striking performances from the petite beauty. I won’t even begin to explain the plot as it’s far too intricate and quite frankly will ruin the experience for you. All I can say is that Almodóvar and Cruz have done it again.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Raavan

Sadly, most Bollywood films seem to reside under a shroud of mystery right up until the day they are released. For a reviewer like myself, you can understand how this makes my life much more difficult than in should be.

Luckily this film needs little promotion as it stars some of Bollywood’s finest: Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan and Vikram. What I know about the plot is sketchy and I can share only what the press release tells us. The film is a contemporary take on the well-known story of Ramayana, in which Sita, the wife of Lord Rama, is abducted by the demon King of Lanka, Ravana. Written and directed by Mani Ratnam, you can count on some unexpected twists to the story however, so don’t think you’ll be bored by an ancient tale.

This battle between good an evil seems set to be an epic one. The cinematography is gorgeous, the costumes and make-up intense and the soundtrack one to remember.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Egoli: The Movie

I will confess I have never watched a single episode of Egoli in my life. I have no idea who Niek, Joe, Faan, Duifie and Nenna are, but I have no doubt many South Africans do. I know what it’s like to follow a soapie for so many years that it starts to feel like the characters are family.

It is exactly for this reason that the producers of Egoli decided to make the circle beega by bringing out Egoli: The Movie just a few months after the last TV episode aired. The fans want to know what’s happening with their family! Well, everyone from David Rees to Casper de Vries and Christina Storm make an appearance, and most of the characters seem to pick up from where the soapie ended. There’s romance, violence, revelations and, of course, a cameo by the late Lolly Jackson. If you’re an Egoli follower you’ll love every minute of this well produced and directed full-length feature.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Mutant Chronicles

I apologise up front: with movies as bad as this one I find it difficult to write coherent sentences and find it easier to write in point form. After all, those who choose to watch this film can probably only handle point form.

So here’s the story: It’s 2707 and there are mutants (can you handle it?). The population must fight back. There is war, blood, mayhem. People die, people are eaten, people say stupid things. It’s a general abomination. Possibly my nomination for worst movie of the year. Sies.

Rating: 0 outta 5.

The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus

There are a few things about this rather bizarre creation that will convince the majority of filmgoers to see it. One is that it was the last project that Heath Ledger worked on before he died, midway through filming. When tragedy struck, writer and director Terry Gilliam wanted to throw in the towel, but was convinced by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law not to. And so, with this formidable trio at his side, Gilliam created three alternative personas of Heath’s character to complete the narrative.

Secondly, Gilliam is a master player in the theatre of the mind and holds nothing back in creating a magical story where a travelling theatre act offers ordinary spectators the chance to explore the realms of their imaginations. Got that? Yeah, it’s hard to explain and even harder to follow at times, which is what will disappoint many who pay the price of the ticket. There is no doubt the spectacle and oddities of the film will enthral you, but you’ll be left wondering what just happened. A solid, even vaguely coherent story line you will not get. Sadly, I was left feeling more than a little disgruntled.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Endgame

I not believe I have been living under a rock, so why have I not heard of this South African-centred drama and why are we only seeing it now – a full year after it was shown on UK television?

Okay, so after getting over this personal bugbear I was slightly curious as to why this movie, written by an English scriptwriter, was even produced and with an awesome cast to boot. Turns out the story revolves around one Michael Young, an employee of a British mining company, who took it upon himself to broker secret talks between Thabo Mbeki and a representative of Afrikaaner establishment, professor Willie Esterhuyse, circa 1988. It was in large part thanks to his perseverance and foresight that Nelson Mandela was released and the ban on the ANC was lifted.

Playing Young is an all-grown up and seriously impressive Jonny Lee Miller, and alongside him the dashing and equally superb Chiwetel Ejiofor as Mbeki. Also look out for a surprise performance by our formidable John Kani. Overseas critics have hailed the movie as a thrilling and competent drama – we, on the other hand, might sadly be put off by the fact that it’s “another apartheid movie with lousy SA accents”. I predict that many will wait for this to hit DVD.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Letters to Juliet

If you like your movies as sweet as sherbet and soft as marshmallows, you’ve come to the right place. It won’t surprise you that the subject is love, and the setting is none other than the alleged (in the movie at least) balcony in Verona where Romeo and Juliet whispered their sweet promises of forever.

Over the years, love-struck women have posted - on this very balcony - letters to Juliet asking for advice on the subject of men. Conveniently, a local task team of women decided to answer the letters on behalf of the Shakespearian persona, like a agony aunt troupe, if you will. So, when dear Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) arrives in the town with her BF, she decides to help out and offer her pearls of wisdom to the writer of a letter to Juliet, which just happens to be about 50 years old. Much to Sophie’s surprise, the woman, now old and grey, pitches up in Verona and recruits her to assist in finding the love she lost so long ago. Hey, I didn’t say it was believable. For the squishy at heart only…

Rating: 3 outta 5.

District 13: Ultimatum

What would make action-movie junkies endure a French-subtitled feature film? A few reasons. One: it’s written by action-movie stalwart Luc Besson. Two: there’s minimal dialogue in the 100 minutes of the film, and three: all the action revolves around that cool, death-defying sport called parkour.

Parkour literally means “the art of flight” and entails some rather super-human jumps between buildings and balconies and off heights that really should kill a person. What’s even cooler about the relentless parkour action in this film is that it’s all real. Between the actors (who actually performed a lot of their own stunts) and the stuntmen, the action is unmistakably genuine, which is becoming more rare in these CGI-happy days.

So, for the average thrillseeker, this movie checks all the right boxes. If you’re one of those people who likes their action as a side order to the storyline, however, then you’ll be seriously bummed. A storyline in a movie like this is extraneous, frivolous, a joke, in fact. Yeah, you get the idea.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Marmaduke

Warning: This movie contains talking animals. Warning: This movie contains a cat voiced by George Lopez. Still there? If you weren’t put off by those two important pieces of information then perhaps you’re the target market for this family film, which is parents across South Africa who are desperately trying to fill their kids’ 5-week SWC-enforced holiday.

Luckily George Lopez as Carlos the cat is not the main star of the show; Luke Wilson as an oversized Great Dane is. Let’s be honest: Wilson can get away with pretty much anything – exactly like a lovable dog, really – and he’s mildly charming as Marmaduke. But that’s where the charm ends.

It’s always a gamble making an animal comedy simply because you have to rely on all the old gags: dog drool, dog over zealousness, dog poo - it’s bound to be unoriginal and totally forgettable, which Marmaduke is. Send the kids and save your cash for something less mind numbing.

Rating: 1 outta 5

Killers

When you put Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher together in a movie you can’t really go wrong, even when the script dictates that Ashton’s character, Spencer Aimes, is in fact a government agent/assassin/spy. I guess for many moviegoers this isn’t such a train smash – I guess I just like my romcoms straight up, not stirred or shaken up by a silly plot device.

It all starts out pretty normally: Jen (Heigl) is recently single and on holiday with her folks (horror!) when she meets Spencer and falls in love. Three years later and happily married, Jen gets the shock of her life when she finds out that “people” are trying to kill her and Spencer and discovers that he’s got a secret life. Mayhem and dodging of bullets ensues.

Yes, this is yet another example of a tired and predictable script being rescued by two attractive and hopelessly irresistible actors. Lucky save.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Kisses

This arthouse offering is a glimpse into one horrifying and magical day that two abused, working-class kids decide to run away to the big city streets of Dublin.

Buoyed by their love and friendship, neighbours Dylan (13) and Kylie (11) steal some money and set off for what they believe will be a life of freedom. What they find of course are the mean streets, filled with Bob Dylan impersonators, security guards and the occasional dead body. Suffice to say it’s not all that easy.

What’s intriguing about this movie is not so much the adventure as it is the performances of the two young actors. If you rate believability as the ultimate benchmark for an actor, these two have peaked at a very early age. If you’re a fan of slice-of-life films, this one will leave you feeling fulfilled.

Rating: 3.5 outta 5.

Limits of Control

Let me just say this up front: for most or perhaps all of this movie you will not know what is going on. Between exchanges of matchboxes, achingly long silences, arb naked people and “Two espressos, in two separate cups,” you’ll soon adopt that look on your face that says “Huh?”

This is supposed to be an unconventional crime caper, but instead comes across as an irritating and garbled mess. Just what exactly is Jim Jarmusch, the filmmaker, trying to achieve here? You get the feeling that Jarmusch is making a conscious effort to rebel against conventional storytelling, which is ok. What is not ok is leaving the viewer feeling like they’ve been toyed with, like a cat batting a dead mouse.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Legion

It’s a rare occasion that I feel lost for words. Especially when it comes to bad movies. Perhaps it’s because this one is so particularly bad that I find myself mute. Let me simply relate one of the scenes to give you a feel for the absurdity…

The scene: a dusty diner in the Mojave Desert. The players: a pregnant waitress, the tired owner, a white-haired granny, some dispensable extras. The action: innocent little gran in the corner morphs into a blood-sucking zombie, climbing the walls like a Parktown Prawn, killing the extras and unleashing God’s wrath on planet Earth. Oh, but wait, there is hope: The pregnant waitress carries in her womb the saviour of the human race and, luckily, a fallen angel arrives to help keep the unborn child alive.

Pure, unadulterated garbage. See this at your own peril.

Rating: 0 outta 5.

To Save a Life

I don’t want to be rude here, but this is how fanaticism and mind control start. It’s everything that movies should not be, and, yes, I accept that pastors and youth leaders across the world might damn me to hell for saying it.

The intention of this teen film is noble: The two (first-time) filmmakers wanted to address the very serious issues facing the youth today. Suicide, Columbine-style murder, teen pregnancy, bullying, drinking and the absence of religion all feature (yup, it’s jam-packed up in here). The problem is their suggested solution to all of the above: Turn to Jesus. Although debatable, no-one can pass judgement on this and nor will I. What I will offer is my totally subjective opinion, which is this: In a world with challenges so daunting and options so diverse, the last thing the youth are going to respond to is a sermon delivered by disingenuous actors from California who know nothing about struggle. But hey, that’s just me.

Rating: 1 outta 5