Life as we Know it

When Holly (Katherine Heigl) and Eric (Josh Duhamel) know each other through mutual friends. Once upon a time they went on a date, which was a disaster, but since they became Godparents to said mutual couple’s newborn, they’re civil to each other. So you can imagine the shock when the couple die and leave their daughter under the care of both Holly and Eric.

Distraught and horrified, the two move in together for the sake of Sophie and try to navigate their way through forced parenthood. It’s not the most original or thought provoking of scripts but one of those movies that leaves you feeling kind of fuzzy and warm. At this stage of the year, when your head feels like it might explode, what more could you ask for?

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Four Lions

Four British Muslims decide that they would like to become terrorists because they want to do something significant and meaningful. Okay, before you freak out, this is actually a ridiculously funny satire from a very bold filmmaker.

Yes, the idea of a couple of rogue jihadists is essentially quite scary but it also makes for some outrageous scenes involving homemade explosives. While many will not appreciate the humour in this, the writers and director have not completely disregarded the inherent seriousness of the matter. If you look past the witty remarks and comedy of errors you’ll find the social comment you might be looking for. I love this ballsy film simply because it forces us to lighten up and laugh at ourselves.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Takers

There is absolutely nothing in this movie that you haven’t seen before in a hundred other films except rapper TI (before he was arrested, imprisoned and then arrested again) and singer Chris Brown (after he was arrested and convicted for battery). Charming.

The story is a mish-mash of several other heist/ robbery capers, but comes nowhere near being original or memorable. Sure, there are a couple cool action scenes – like when the rob squad blow up a part of the road so that the cash-in-transit van literally falls underground into their greedy hands – but apart from that I’ve got nothing for you.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Piranha

We’ve had Jaws, Bigfoot, Anaconda, Lake Placid and now – drumroll – Piranha! And you’ll never guess what the movie is about… An infestation of man-eating fish that look like they have literally swum straight out of a prehistoric horror movie and onto the screen. Fancy that.

As horrendous as these movies are I’ve actually come to love them, simply because they are so hilarious. Think of that scene in Lake Placid where the giant, rubber-looking crocodile rises up out of the water and gobbles up an entire pier – it’s one of my top comedic moments of all time. If you intend watching Piranha in the same vein, you’ll have a good chuckle – even more so if you see it in 3D. But don’t expect to be frightened; expect some so-bad-it’s-good entertainment.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Knucklehead

It seems movies are becoming a lucrative business for has-been wrestlers. First came Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, then John Cena and now Paul “Big Show” Wight. If you don’t know who Big Show is then you’re probably not a WWE watcher or the target audience for this film.

In an attempt to make a comedy out of fighting, the story revolves around middle-aged oaf Walter, who’s lived at an orphanage his entire life. When a wannabe promoter spots Walter and his large size, he decides to turn him into a fighter, which is not as easy as one would think. The result is a poor attempt at comedy that will probably only be funny to complete morons or kids who enjoy fart jokes.

Rating: 1/5

Charlie St. Cloud

In spite of his Disney movie appearances and annoyingly good looks, Zac Efron, it must be said, is a pretty good actor. Instead of sticking to the High School Musical formula that has made him a young millionaire and teen heartthrob, he’s made a real effort to avoid being typecast, and for this should be given props.

Here he takes on a big challenge playing a high-school graduate whose life is shattered when his little brother dies. Unable to move past the pain, Charlie (Efron) gives up his dreams, a scholarship and any semblance of a normal life to work in the cemetery where his brother is buried. Why? Well, because when the sun sets in the cemetery every day, Charlie can see, talk to and play with his dead sibling. You can imagine how this eventually brings Charlie’s life to a standstill.

Yes, the film employs completely abstract concepts and a bucket-load of emotion to move its audience, but I’m okay with that. It is, after all, just a movie that I happened to like.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Machete

Robert Rodriguez might not be Tarantino, but he sure shares Tarantino’s love of 70s, B-grade films. Having directed Sin City and Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Rodriguez is known for his satirical theatrics and dry parodies of the 70s action genre.

Machete is all of the above with a healthy dose of blood and ‘ruthless’ killing added to the mix. The long-haired Mexican is out to take revenge on a host of people and he does it with oversized machine guns, rifles and a trusty machete. If you’re not able to appreciate the references to cheesy films of days gone by, or the inherent humour in having Steven Seagal and Cheech Marin star in the flick, you won’t “get” this movie. For the rest of you, enjoy the laugh.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The End of the Line

The double meaning of this film’s title is more important than you can imagine. Not only does it address the fish at the end of the fisherman’s line, but it forces us to confront the ugly truth that the end of the fisherman’s line is in fact the end of the line for a host of fish populations.

Like other recent films that have thrown the proverbial bucket of cold water into our faces, this doccie examines just how badly man has plundered the ocean’s bounty. It is astonishing and frightening how quickly we are eating our way through the sea’s fish, offsetting the balance of mother nature and making extinct creatures that have been here for longer than all of us put together.

We must not copy our Karoo ostriches and bury our heads in the sand. The truth may be ugly but it remains fact, and the more informed we are the more likely we are to change. Go see this.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Joneses

The Joneses are people you really want to keep up with. Mom (Demi Moore) is superhot and a brilliant hostess; Dad (David Duchovny) is great at golf, drives the latest Audi and always has the latest gadgets to show off, and the two gorgeous teenage kids are the most popular specimens in school. Sound too perfect? Well it is.

I don’t want to give the secret away as it’s an interesting and original one, so I’ll just say that it’ll leave you thinking about why and how we all want to be exactly like the Joneses.

Rating 3 outta 5.

Alpha and Omega

Kate is a desirable Alpha wolf whose shiny fur and hunting skills are widely admired by all the male wolves in the pack, especially Humphrey. Problem is, Humphrey is an Omega wolf, which pretty much means he’s at the bottom of the class ladder and can’t possibly expect to woo Alpha Kate.

So when he and Kate are darted and taken to a reservation to “populate,” he’s pretty stoked. Kate, on the other hand, is horrified and determined to get back to her pack. On the journey, however, love runs its course. Ah, yes, another cute-yet-predictable kiddies film that will save you some money on babysitting this weekend.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Switch

I’ll admit that recently there have been a spate of romcom duds, and bad scripts have resulted in disappointing black marks against some of our favourite actors. Like Jennifer Aniston. Ok, so she is the romcom queen, but Bounty Hunter? And Management? What was she thinking?

Luckily here Jen’s been partnered with the awesome Jason Bateman, who plays the platonic friend who’s secretly in love with the leading lady. When Kassie (Aniston) tells Wally (Bateman) that she’s going to be artificially sperminated, he’s thrown. He gets drunk. He switches the donor’s sperm with his own. Seven years later, when Kassie moves back to town with her son, it becomes hard to ignore that the kid is Wally’s mini-me. What’s a secret sperm donor to do?

This is definitely one of the funnier and more endearing romcoms of the year, and for that I give it a double thumbs up.

Rating: 4/5

Cyrus

For recently divorced John (John C Reilly), the idea of finding a new partner is daunting, so when he meets Molly (Marisa Tomei) at a singles party, he falls instantly in love. She’s attractive, funny and likes John for the lovable klutz he is. There’s just one problem: she has a grown-up son who’s still creepily tied to his momma’s apron strings. Jonah Hill plays Molly’s son with the perfect balance of weird and funny, leaving John unsettled and not sure whether to befriend or loathe the kid.

While this film is extremely entertaining it is not a straightforward comedy, as the situation requires the actors to explore their feelings about a very awkward threesome. This in itself makes for an interesting experiment in acting. The offbeat tempo of this film is what makes it a winner.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Before you get all excited, this is not the much-hyped Hollywood version of the film that is due for release next year. This is, in fact, the Swedish version that has been subtitled in English.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock, the best-selling book of the same name is the first in a trilogy by Swedish author Stieg Larsson. Essentially it’s a suspense-filled thriller, but one that has literally done the global rounds and taken the world by storm.

Since there are people who seem to struggle with the concept of reading subtitles, the English version is in production, but for the rest of you – fans of the book or not – this is a gripping and totally satisfactory portrayal that will keep you glued. Do yourself a favour and watch this one before Hollywood puts its own spin on the story.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Centurion

This is what you need to know about this movie: a bunch of Roman soldiers known as the Ninth Legion are stalked and slaughtered – throughout the entire movie – by a group of weirdly painted Celtic tribespeople. And when I say slaughtered I really mean it.

Prepare yourself for gross dismemberment, fountains of blood and epic violence, and not in a Braveheart kind of way. No, this is purely gratuitous and pointless savagery with no storyline to justify or buoy it. I cannot think of a worse way to spend an afternoon. Yuk.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Legendary

I wouldn’t be a reviewer if I wasn’t quick to judge, and considering that this movie was produced by WWE films and stars pro-wrestler John Cena, it’s impossible for me not to judge this film by its company. On top of this the movie is actually more of a Hallmark special about a loser kid who joins the wrestling team to try forge a relationship with his equally pitiful brother (Cena) who used to be a great wrestler before he became an alcoholic. Don’t you just want to vomit? This family film should have gone straight to the DVD shop to collect dust.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Eat Pray Love

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book that inspired this movie has been translated into countless languages and read by millions of people around the globe. Clearly its message of self-discovery, taking a leap of faith and, once in a while, letting yourself eat as much pasta as your heart desires has struck a universal human nerve.

When 30-something Elizabeth found herself divorced, uninspired and unhappy with the person she was becoming, she packed up and went travelling for a year to Italy (where she ate and ate and ate), India (where she learnt how to pray in her own, distracted way) and Bali (where she learnt to love again), and she wrote about every moment. Sounds like a ready-made movie script, doesn’t it?

Julia Roberts plays Liz wonderfully, and the film revels in the beauty of each of the three countries. Yes, some people may find the story’s message condescending and contrived, but for the less cynical of us, we’re happy to enjoy every minute of one woman’s search for happiness and meaning.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Ondine

I don’t even know what to make of this movie. Just writing what it’s about seems silly, childish and downright bizarre, simply because its meant to be taken seriously.

Set in Ireland, Syracuse (Colin Farrell) is a recovering alcoholic fisherman with a sick, wheelchair-bound child. While out fishing one day he discovers a hot woman named Ondine in his net. She’s not a mermaid as she has no tail, but she can’t be a human as there’s not one waterlogged prune finger in sight. Clearly not bothered by this inexplicable phenomenon, Syracuse falls madly in love and other weird things happen. What makes this film so strange is that it doesn’t classify itself as fantasy and we’re meant to just buy into the idea that the “many fish in the sea” concept can be taken literally. I’m stumped.

If you’re feeling adventurous, give it a try, but don’t be surprised if you regret the hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Tell-Tale

You’ve heard those freaky stories about recipients of organs who suddenly take on certain characteristics of their donor, right? Well, before this recorded phenomenon was a little story written 150 years ago by Edgar Allen Poe that proposed a similar idea.

This film expands on these ideas by presenting us with a heart transplant patient who suddenly becomes aware that his donor died under suspicious circumstances. How does he know this? Well, his new heart starts racing every time he crosses paths with certain people, and he starts having visions of dodgy dealings. Of course this overload of info starts making him slightly crazy and obsessed with finding the truth. I wouldn’t call it the most original of concepts, nor the most riveting filmmaking, but I suppose some people are happy with average.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Splice

Two scientists use human DNA to make something that looks like a cross between a rat and a Chucky doll. As all the previous films in the same category have taught us, this is not a good idea. When will these silly people learn? Yawn.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Damage

Now here’s a winner. Not. An ex-cage fighter gets out of prison and has promised himself that he will never fight again. These are your illegal, nasty cage fights worth a lot of money that we’re talking about. Well, guess what happens? Yup, he is forced to return to the cage to make some money.

If you find blood and fisticuffs entertaining then be my guest and enjoy the show. I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about watching this garbage.

Rating: 0 outta 5.

Despicable Me

Now here’s an animated movie with a razor-sharp edge. Any filmmaker who makes a villain the star of the show must be applauded for his ballsiness, but a filmmaker who goes one step further and gets his villain to "acquire" three little girls from an orphanage is genius. Yes, I enjoy a dark storyline, but this film is far from evil. You will be able to take your kids to see it.

Gru, our villain, is, as the title suggests, despicable. His aim is to become the greatest baddie of all time, and to secure this title he hatches a plan to steal the moon. Because he can’t do it alone, the orphans are deployed, which inadvertently begins the defrosting of the bad guy’s icy heart. Awww.

This is a wonderfully wicked and original film that will have both adults and kids glued to the big screen.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Long Street

From the talented Revel Fox, who brought us the memorable local film The Flyer, comes a Cape Town-inspired art film that juxtaposes the splendour of the province with the ugliness of its social issues. Strained relationships, drug addiction and unrealised dreams are offset by incredibly beautiful cinematography and music, which represents a key redemptive element throughout.

This is not your mindless crowd pleaser; it is intended to evoke emotion and make you look at Long Street differently. It’s a triumph.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Why Did I Get Married Too?

If you were one of those who got totally caught up in the marital affairs of four couples in the first Tyler Perry film, you’ll be engrossed immediately in the second.

With the return of the powerhouse cast (one that includes Janet Jackson, Jill Scott, Malik Yoba and Tyler Perry himself), as well as a rollercoaster of gut-wrenching revelations and surprises, you’ll feel like you’ve been through the mill after watching the drama unfold.

Yes, it’s exactly like watching a soapie, which is why I can’t tear myself away. There’s drinking, cheating, frustration and fighting: not what fine film is made of but addictive nevertheless.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Ramona and Beezus

Based on the prolific kiddie literary series, this is family movie heaven.

Ramona is a 9-year-old girl who just cannot stay out of trouble. Beezus, played by Disney darling Selena Gomez, is her long-suffering but extremely patient 15-year-old sister. Ramona gets into the most outrageous and sticky situations, which, for your average 7 to 12 year old, is probably very entertaining.

This is a cute, all-access film that parents will be more than happy to see with their rugrats.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Other Man

Pointless and dreary is how I would describe this soap opera attempting to disguise itself as a thriller.

The lovely Laura Linney (why she chose to soil her name with this I don’t know) is a wife who questions whether a person can love someone other than their respective spouse. Given the rate of infidelity I’d guess that’s a rhetorical question. Of course she is having an affair with a Latin lover – who else but the cheesy Antonio Banderas – in between her shopping trips in Milan. But when she mysteriously disappears and hubby Liam Neeson finds out, he sets out to hunt down the “Other Man”.

Anyone still awake? Yeah, this is one of those films to which you apply the “Been there, done that” label.

Rating: 2/5