The Book of Eli

Apocalypse movies are clearly the flavour of the moment. We’ve had 2012, The Road and now there’s The Book of Eli. To be honest I was slightly irritated that I had to see more desolation and destruction so soon after The Road, but Denzel Washington in the lead role convinced me to push through. And I’m glad I did.

What this film has going for it, besides Denzel, is two great filmmakers in the Hughes brothers (Menace to Society, From Hell). Luckily they avoid any OTT hysteria and rely on good old-fashioned ass-kicking to keep us interested. Basically it’s Denzel against the remaining evil world. His mission? To make his way across America with a book that holds the secrets of humanity. Yes, you get the religious references but they don’t overwhelm the film.

There are weird things that we are expected to just believe without question, but overall you’ll feel it’s been a good night out, religiosity and all.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

A Single Man

I’m going to say up front that this one is for movie lovers only. The directorial debut of fashion designer Tom Ford, this intricate portrait details the inner turmoil of a man grieving the death of his lover. His world is shrunken and meaningless and his only companion is a female friend who still thinks she can win his affection.

We see flashbacks of lighter days, which almost counter the sense of impending doom, but always in the background is the image of a loaded gun next to his bedside. What makes this piece so incredibly moving is an unforgettable performance by Colin Firth. Often typecast as a period performer or romcom standard, Firth shines in this unusual role. Poignant and deeply memorable.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

Jozi

Listen, anyone living in Joburg has to have a sense of humour. And when you feel the humour starting to wear off, you book yourself a getaway, stat, before you end up bludgeoning the hawker on your route to work who insists you need a new feather-duster every week (seriously, how many feather-dusters can one possibly own?).

So the premise of this local flick is believable: comedy writer, James, loses his ability to find the funny and as a result ends up taking drugs, landing up in rehab and then escaping with his dope-head friend. Once back in Jozi, though, it’s tough to regain his life and ability to laugh, and we watch James’ humorous challenge unfold. Carl Beukes is one of my favourite local actors, so he made watching all the more enjoyable.

Apart from him, the script was entertaining and prompted a good few laughs, which, if you’re living in Joburg, are essential remember? For those of you who’re chilled out in Kaap Stad or diving in Durbs, you’ll still enjoy this solid local comedy.

Rating: 3 outta 5

Samson and Delilah

The Australians do moving-yet-depressing movies so well, and this one is a shining example. Samson and Delilah, two Aboriginal teenagers beaten down by circumstance flee their repressive rural village and fumble their way through an escape.

They end up under a bridge, Samson sniffing petrol and Delilah throwing rocks at him as a sign of her affection. As you can imagine, not a lot of good happens as a result, but we are drawn like moths to the flickering light that the pair almost wordlessly create. Without each other they would be voids. Together they can find a reason to keep trucking.

The honest performances from two unknown actors is gut-wrenching and will definitely not leave you with the warm and fuzzies. It will, however, make you appreciate the merciless reality that film can so inimitably convey.

Rating: 5 outta 5

It's Complicated

Like her other movie Something’s Gotta Give, writer Nancy Myers brings us a romcom for the middle-aged. I’m not saying that under-40s won’t enjoy watching over-50s getting it on, it’s just that they might find it a bit icky. It’s kind of like imagining your folks romping wildly on the couch. You can’t fault the story either just for highlighting this reality.

It’s not bad. It’s pretty funny, and Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin pull off the divorced couple who ultimately fall in love again brilliantly. It’s great fun watching them have fun. Not so fun watching them get frisky. If you can get over this, you’ll have a laugh. I’m not so sure I’m over it yet.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

From Paris With Love

Yawn. I don’t know if I even have the energy to write about this complete waste of movie resources. For those of you who don’t care about plot, character development or believability, here’s some key words to give you the picture: FBI agent (played by John Travolta looking like he never left the set of Pelham 123), mysterious mission in Paris, wannabe agent (Jonathan Rhys Myers, shame on you for lowering yourself to this!), hot chick, way too many action scenes. Got it?

If you’re in the mood to lose a few brain cells, go ahead, be my guest.

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Crazy Heart

This is possibly Jeff Bridges’ zenith; the ultimate peak of his career, playing a washed-out country singer whose life is nothing but a scratched record gathering dust at the bottom of a liquor cabinet. And it will most likely win him his first Oscar.

Like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, Bridges character, Bad Blake, struggles with past fame and present obscurity, past hurts and present love, and he does it with such easy conviction that we thoroughly believe he is real. When his path crosses that of a young journalist, played beautifully by Maggie Gyllenhaal, something deep within Blake is tweaked, but is it enough to drive him to redemption?

A stunning film that will leave you feeling like you’ve travelled 1000 miles on a dirt road.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

The Lovely Bones

After 14-year-old Susie is raped and murdered, she gets stuck in the gap between heaven and earth, which, according to Peter Jackson who directed this film, is a gorgeous, pastel-coloured place with warm lighting. Instead of being horribly upset by her unfortunate predicament, however, Susie’s quite happy to watch over her parents as they struggle with her passing and try to solve the whodunit mystery.

What’s weird about the film is the strange mix between fantasy and murder mystery, as well as the fact that death is romanticised to a certain degree. We don’t see enough of Susie’s grief and despair at being caught in no-man’s land, which kind of makes you think that being murdered ain’t that bad. If you’ve read the book you need to be prepared for Jackson’s take on the story, which tends to lean more towards fanciful than tragic. It’s definitely worth watching if you can set aside your logic and indulge in a bit of fantasy, even if that does feel a little odd.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

White Lion

Some have called this the real Lion King and indeed it has many of the same elements and themes as the Disney classic: struggle, family, survival and, of course, those gorgeous beasts.

This time though, we get to see footage of real lions and a rare white lion, who is the star of the show. According to Shangaan legend, a white lion is a messenger of the gods and should be protected, so when one is born into his valley and rejected by his pride, a young boy named Gisani feels compelled to watch over him. The story that unfolds is a juxtaposition of love and destruction, both brought to the table by mankind and both shackled with their own set of consequences.

This stunning film was shot just outside of Joburg and the characters (yes, that includes the lions) are all homegrown. Which just goes to show how well we can do movies if just given the chance and lots of cash. Go see it!

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Teenage boy discovers he’s a descendent of the Greek god Poseidon. He’s sent to Demi-god school and encounters other Greek-god offspring and, inevitably, an adventure.

Yup, it’s in the same vein as Harry Potter and Golden Compass, but executed way less stylishly. This one you’ll struggle to sit through if you’ve over 14 years old no matter how good you are at suspending disbelief. On the plus side, Uma Thurman really manages to pull off a wig of snakes as Medusa, and Pierce Brosnan is oh-so endearing as a half-man, half horse centaur. This is definitely one for the tweens.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Dear John

Look, I’m a sucker for a good love story but I hate sappy sentimentalism. Enter Dear John. I honestly don’t know how many more clichés one could have included in this film.

Firstly there’s a soldier (luckily played by the easy-to-look-at Channing Tatum). Secondly there’s the happy-go-lucky college student Savannah (Amanda Seyfried). Then there’s the stomach churning love that overwhelms them like a bad rash. But guess what happens? He goes back to war! So what we’re left with is a lot of pining and mucky US patriotism. I could vomit just thinking about it.

But my best part of the movie? How about the inevitable “Dear John” letter that Savannah must write, and the fact that writers actually named Tatum’s character John? Or, no, what about John’s failure to realise that his father is actually mildly autistic? It’s just one bad cheese ball after another. Anyone for some crackers?

Rating: 1 outta 5.

Valentine's Day

The modus operandi of the producers of this film was simple: get as many well-known actors to sign on so that nobody cares about the storyline. And literally, the list of stars in Valentines Day is as long as my arm. In fact, I could use this whole space just to list them, and that alone would probably convince you to go see the movie.

Sneaky marketing ploy number two is using Valentines day and all those men trying to make a romantic impression on their women, to sell this cutesy romcom. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a good romcom, unless you’re spending Valentine’s alone.

Personally, anything with Patrick Dempsey, Taylor Lautner and Eric Dane in is worth watching and, to balance out the sex appeal, are the two Jessicas – Alba and Biel – for the guys. With that said, you don’t really care about the story do you? Go on, take your girlfriend or make it a girl’s night out if you’re alone. You know you wanna.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Wolfman

We couldn’t have thought of a better person to play a werewolf. Benicio del Toro is scary looking as it is, and so much more so when you add some CGI to the mix. We love the freaky bone cracking and eye-popping that signals his change from man into beast, as well as the eerie Victorian countryside that he prowls in the dead of night, but sadly this doesn’t make the movie any less vapid.

But I’m getting ahead of myself… In case you didn’t gather, the story is about a man who becomes a werewolf – and not in the fun, Michael J Fox Teen Wolf kind of way. No, unfortunately Benicio becomes more of a Michael Jackson Thriller caricature. We had really hoped for better, but this wannabe horror just disintegrates into a gross, cheesy mess. Sad.

Rating: 3 outta 5

The Fantastic Mr Fox

I read every single Roald Dahl book before I hit 10, so I jumped to see the big-screen rendition of the Fantastic Mr Fox, arguably one of Dahl’s best capers. And it didn’t disappoint.

It goes without saying that the story is wicked and treacherous, with Mr Fox declaring ‘war’ on his farmer neighbours, but what makes the screen version so delightful are the voices of George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray and Owen Wilson, to name a few. Add to this the unusually quirky animation and you’ve struck gold.

Dahl was a master storyteller whose outlandish tales bridged generation gaps 100 years wide, and the film has remained true to this notion. This ain’t just a story for a 6-year old; your 96-year old granny, and you, will love it just as much.

Rating: 5 outta 5.

My Name is Khan

Because Rizwan Khan suffers from a form of Autism, he is stopped at a US airport and detained because of his unusual behaviour. After his life-changing ordeal, he embarks on a journey to Washington to meet the President because he has “something to say to him”. Of course in the background a painful love story plays out, driving Khan to do what he needs to do.

We like this movie because of its reality doused storyline. Most Bollywood films, along with Hollywood, exist simply to entertain, but this one throws a spanner in the works with its themes of disability and Muslim discrimination post-9/11. It’s a moving film, in no small part due to the music and a terrific performance from Shahrukh Khan.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Road

Post-apocalyptic America. How would you picture it? How about frozen, dark, void of vegetation and food and sprinkled with just a handful of desperate people driven to cannibalism?

In an attempt to save his son, now 11 years old but born after the end of the world, Man (we never get to know his name) is faced with not only a physical struggle but a moral one too. How does one teach a son to respect life when there is none to speak of?

This film delves much deeper than a need to survive; it is a foreboding representation of a possible future for the human race. Issues of rotting morality and a decaying planet are all alluded to in a bleak landscape that is bound to make you choke. And of course this is all thanks to Cormac McCarthy’s book of the same name. A depressing but brilliant portrayal that steers clear of clichés created by lesser end-of-the-world blockbusters.

Rating: 4 outta 5

Bright Star

For those of you who slept through poetry at school, John Keats was one of the romantic poets, which means he wrote, er, romantic poetry. Got it?

The unusual thing about Keats, however, is that he never actually experienced love in its physical glory, if you know what I mean. He fell madly in love with his neighbour Fanny Brawne, but sadly Keats died at the age of 25, and he and Fanny only got to flirt with the idea of a life together.

Perhaps this is what made him such a great poet. He got to revel in the passionate and heady beginnings of love, which have, throughout history, often inspired creative genius. This is their love story, beautifully told and recreated by Jane Campion who brought us “The Piano”.

Rating: 4 outta 5

Halloween II

Guess what? Michael Myers is not dead. Surprised, right? Yeah, I thought so. Between stifling yawns and planning my next pedicure, I managed to ingest a fair amount of overworked scary masks and stage blood, but not a lot of brain fodder. Surprised again, hey?

This is the type of movie you take your young date to so that she can jump closer to you on the love seat (which is terribly uncomfortable, by the way). It’s the type of movie that teenagers will go to just for the thrill of watching warm blood ooze out of a fresh corpse. Is it how you want to spend your Friday night? If you honestly have nothing better to do, be my guest.

Rating: 1 outta 5

The Spy Next Door

I’m convinced films like this should come with a Warning: Film May Cause Deterioration of Brain Cells. If you tied me to the chair I’d still refuse to open my eyes to watch it. If you put toothpicks in my eyes I’d crush them with my sheer determination to not leave the cinema dumber than I arrived.

All I had to see was the credits: Jackie Chan (as a babysitter), George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus. I couldn’t have thought up a more vile collaboration myself. So rather than make myself sick, I watched the trailer and deduced that I wouldn’t even subject a poor, innocent child to such garbage. But then again, they’ll probably love the tired jokes and juvenile gags. If you’re willing to take the chance that your kid could be permanently damaged, go ahead.

Rating: 0 outta 5