Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Ah, here we have yet another example of “Quit while you’re ahead”. While the first Transformers didn’t exactly garner rave reviews it was, at least, kind of interesting to see how the filmmakers translated the toys onto the screen. Number two was dismal and lame and yet here we are again being bulldozed by transformer alien thingies who are taking over the world, but like, for real this time.

Beware of films that use special effects from beginning to end and try to brainwash you with constant spectacle. After all, just how many times can you bear to watch a transformer taking out the city? If however you fall into that category of filmgoers who love to look and hate to think, you’ll no doubt want to write me rude letters about my bad taste in movies. Knock yourselves out. I might already be in Transformer-boredom-induced coma.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Madea's Big Happy Family

And so the shenanigans continue… This time Tyler Perry, in usual good form as Madea, is on a mission to gather the whole dysfunctional family together for the sake of her niece. And, of course, it sure ain’t easy. With a whole house-load of characters popping in and out of the storyline, you won’t be bored as they all get harassed or slapped around by Madea, but by now you should know exactly what to expect and what’s going to happen in the Tyler Perry creation.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

The Resident

Single woman moves into awesome apartment but soon realises that there is something creepy about the place. Dun dun duuuuun. Now if this was not a space for new film reviews you might have shouted out a number of film titles to which this plot summary could apply, but, alas, we have an old faithful posing as a newbie.

While you might find this film mildly thrilling, you won’t at any point be trying to figure out what’s going on. On the contrary, you’ll know right from the beginning and will simply have to observe as the predictable plot plays out. Now what fun is that?

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Green Lantern

Uh-oh. If you’ve just seen the new X-Men movie and no doubt been blown away by it you’re going to be sorely disappointed by this schizophrenic attempt at superhero filmmaking.

Despite spending around $300 million on production, the FX here are more B than A-grade, the script amateurish and the acting half-assed. While Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds is nice to look at, he plays the role with little to no depth, and his female interest, Gossip Girl Blake Lively, serves no purpose other than to match the eye candy. Luckily Peter Sarsgaard, who plays the evil alien Parrallax, is more interesting to observe, and not only because he grows a grotesquely distorted head.

Yup, this is cock-up of superhero proportions. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

All Good Things

If ever there was a reason to hold off on marriage before you really get to know your partner, this is it. Based on one of the most famous cold cases from the 80s, it tells the story of the son of a wealthy New York business man who is said to have murdered three people, including his wife, who simply disappeared one night never to be seen again.

You’ll be surprised at how obviously accusatory the film is, with the filmmaker making no real attempt to hide what he believes is the truth about what happened to young Kathleen in 1982. Ryan Gosling gives an incredibly chilling performance as the husband, David Marks, and Kirsten Dunst is equally as impressionable as a young wife struggling to come to terms with her disturbed husband. A fabulous thriller.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

I Am Slave

This harrowing film tells the story of a young Sudanese woman who is kidnapped and sold into slavery, eventually ending up working for an Arab family in London. In parallel we observe her father’s painful and desperate attempts to locate her.

Frighteningly based on a true story, the movie will remain with you for days after viewing, as will the incredibly moving performances and sensitive film work. This is not one for moviegoers looking for a good time, however. Be prepared.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Bridesmaids

Like ‘The Hangover’ for girls, this is not your average chick flick. It’s got balls. Seriously, have you ever watched a movie where the girls go wild in Vegas?

Chosen as the Maid of Honour by her best mate, Annie (Kirsten Wiig) is thrown into a mix of rather diverse ladies who make up the rest of the bridal party. There’s the rich-bitch diva, the burping, farting rough chick and a mother of three teen boys, to name a few, so you can imagine the sheer horror Annie begins to feel when she boards the plane with the gaggle of girls.

What follows is not your typical female fodder; the chicks live it up by behaving badly and partying hard. It’s all rather refreshing. And pretty damn funny.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2

As I said with the first film, this is strictly for kids. Full of ‘hilarious’ jokes and pranks involving things like chocolate smears that look like poo, this is one movie that will have the young ones giggling and the adults gagging. If you can avoid accompanying your minors to the actual cinema, do it. This is not to say it’s bad, of course; it’s just really well targeted for its young audience.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Source Code

Now here’s an action thriller that you can really get lost in. With a touch of science fiction (complete with a time/space equation that you’ll never get your head around), the premise is that a person has an 8-minute window of memory before they die, which scientists can access. This of course is really useful when someone’s been the victim of a terrorist attack as you can access their mind to see if they remember anything suspicious.

Okay, so it sounds complicated but is actually pretty easy to follow despite the science stuff. Jake Gyllenhaal is the dude selected to delve into the mind of a guy who was the victim of a train bombing, and by going back repeatedly for 8 minutes at a time he must figure out whodunit. I say no more!

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Mr Popper's Penguins

What you need to know about this movie is the following: 1. It stars Jim Carrey and six real-life penguins and 2. It’s a family movie. Need to know anything else? No, didn’t think so. After years of Jim Carrey and his face-pulling antics, you should know what to expect from a comedy like this. Take your kids, cousins or siblings to see it – they’ll have a good laugh.

Rating: 2/5

Jumping the Broom

Sabrina is a privileged black woman from the wealthy side of town, and she falls in love with Jason who is a black man from the other side of the tracks. When the couple decide to marry and their families converge, the haves and the have-nots battle it out for the upper hand. Yawn. This is nothing you ain’t seen before, people. Can anyone say contrived?

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Sanctum

The makers of this movie lied. They pronounced rather blatantly that James Cameron (Avatar) was involved in the production. He wasn’t. In fact, the only connection is that the makers of Sanctum filmed with the same equipment that Cameron used on Avatar.

Five minutes into this film and you can tell the master filmmaker had absolutely nothing to do with it. While the setting – a series of unexplored underwater caves – is rather enchanting, if somewhat terrifying, the acting is frankly horrendous. The Aussies are all unknowns and act accordingly. The script, too, is totally predictable and laden with cheese.

Perhaps divers will appreciate the harrowing escapades; personally I prefer more wine with my cheese.

Rating: 2/5

The Adjustment Bureau

Let’s presume you believe in fate. Now imagine that your fateful journey of life is kept literally on the correct path by a group of men in black coats called The Adjustment Bureau. Whenever you turn the wrong corner, take too many sugars in your latte or buy a pair of heels that you shouldn’t have, these guys pop up and warn you that you’re veering off track. Kind of annoying, right?

Well imagine meeting the woman of your dreams and then being told in no uncertain terms that you are not to see her again; that continuing down the love path will only end in destruction. Really annoying. So what’s a guy to do? Well, if you’re Matt Damon, you take your gal (Emily Blunt) and run like Jason Bourne. A solid sci-fi, romantic-action drama that only occasionally gets bogged down by too many genres cliches.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Kung Fu Panda 2

Dreamworks is back with more than a superb sequel to the story about a panda who wants to be a kung-fu master.

With the animal kingdom being threatened by an evil peacock, Po the panda and his posse of ass-kicking – and very diverse – animal friends must, well, go kick some ass. Voiced by the best actors in the biz, Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie and Seth Rogan to name a few, this film comes with that added comedic pizzazz that makes it all the more enjoyable for the adults.

This is your best bet for guaranteed fun this weekend.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Nowhere Boy

This movie may be about John Lennon but it is not about his meteoric rise to fame as part of the Beatles. Loosely based on a memoir written by his sister, the story tracks John’s upbringing in a grey and uninspiring Liverpool, as well as his complicated relationship with his mother and aunt.

Although we get glimpses of the future Beatles and a smidgen of insight into their creative genius, the film is by no means a bio of their collective history. More than anything this is merely the first chapter in the tome of an extraordinary life.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Nice Guy Johnny

Some may or may not know that actor Edward Burns is also a writer and director, which brings us to this film that he wrote, directed and acts in.

Burns presents an unassuming, coming-of-age script about an average New Yorker, Johnny, with a dream of being a sportscaster. Burns plays the womanising, free-spirited uncle of Johnny, who takes him away for the weekend before he’s about to get married. While on the surface it seems uncle Terry is just looking to stir the proverbial kak, we realise that it is perhaps his insight into his nephew that has inspired his meddlesome actions. Johnny is subsequently forced to re-evaluate the big decisions he’s about to make.

A low-budget, honest flick, it’s not going to win any prizes, but you won’t hate watching it either.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

X-Men: First Class

I am unashamedly a superhero fan and am giddy that we have yet another X-Men instalment. Although the last few movies (X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) left much to be desired, all is forgiven with the fifth chapter, X-Men: First Class.

The storyline charts the beginning of our heroes in black leather jumpsuits. It is the 1960s – the time of the Cuban missile crisis, the Cold War and JFK. Charles Xavier, aka Professor X, and Erik Lensherr, aka Magneto, are friends, but we soon see how their bromance begins to disintegrate into an all-out war between mutants.

Superbly acted and with special effects that will leave you gaping for more, it seems the X-Men have clawed themselves back into the land of Hit Movies.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Sometimes all you want is a good old-fashioned thriller, and this legal drama provides the goods. While lighthearted at the start, the movie soon builds a sense of foreboding. We know something sinister is going on but we’re not sure what that is. When it becomes clear, you’re sucked into the twists and turns, created by an on-form Matthew McConaughey and his client, played by a cunning Ryan Phillipe.

Sure it’s not mind blowing, but it’s solid and not a bad way to escape over the weekend.

Rating: 3 outta 5.

Beautiful Boy

Prepare yourself: This movie hits you where it hurts, and like a speeding train.

Estranged couple Bill and Kate not only discover that their teenage son has been killed in a school shooting but that he was in fact the shooter. Bam. Talk about a life-changing moment. But this is not a film about the what and where, it’s about the why and how. Intimately focused, it deals with the couple’s relationship and their battle to move through the mud they find themselves mired in.

How does one pick up the pieces after your reality is shattered? Who do you blame? How can you ever forgive the child you so loved? Sadly this is an issue that real people have had to deal with, and this film makes it that much more so. It’s a story you won’t easily forget.

Rating: 4 outta 5.

Prom

Three guesses what this Disney movie is about… Hands up who cares… Yes, that’s right, this flick about the preparation for the big Prom night is the teenage girl’s equivalent of heroin to a junkie, which is awesome if you’re a teenage girl. If you don’t fall into this niche, however, you might just think you’ve landed in a pink-themed hell.

Rating: 2 outta 5.

Ek Lief Jou

I know as a reviewer I should at least pretend to be interested in this movie, but I really can’t. Why? Well, because it just seems like an indulgent and extended marketing gimmick for Kurt Darren. Like the guy isn’t famous enough already (and we all know it’s not for his good looks or lekker dance skills), he feels the need to “act”.

In the film he plays a singer (yes, really) who’s plagued by gorgeous female fans and one Christina Storm… Yeah, don’t even get me started on untalented models who cross over to the silver screen. In a country of such unbridled and unfunded talent I find it tragic that movies like this are the ones being given airtime.

Rating: 1 outta 5.